WEBVTT
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How have you balanced your professional responsibilities, requirements, desires, passions, things that you maybe haven't even done yet, with finding space and time to care for family members and to advocate for Alzheimer's.
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To be honest with you, I've always been this person in my family.
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It's not just because of Beyond the Gates or the team of Grey's Anatomy.
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I hear that and it's more too.
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I'm gonna tell y'all that again.
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That's so casually.
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You know what I mean?
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I'm over here saying I casually made it to Starbucks this morning.
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You know what I mean?
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And the brother drops down, well, just uh hit after it.
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Hit after it.
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You move or be moved.
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And so for me, I don't want to be moved.
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That's like, because when he moves me, I was like, you know what?
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Lord, forget me.
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Uh but you get it, you know what it is, you recognize it, and then go ahead, press on.
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Parenting up Caregiving Adventures with comedian Jay Smiles.
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It's the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama.
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For over a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing all time of awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat.
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Caregiver Newbie, OG, and village members just willing to prop up with Caregiver.
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You are in the right place.
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Hi, this is Z.
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I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast.
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Is that okay?
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Today's supporter shout out comes from YouTube.
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Nicole Houston Johnson 8405.
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You did it! It is all capitalized, and it's three exclamation points.
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Thank you so much.
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Whatever it is we do is only possible because of our global care village.
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It is a big deal that you all have continued to take this journey with me and my team.
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I don't have enough gratitude to share.
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If you would like to be the recipient of a supporter shout out, you know what to do.
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Go to YouTube, leave a review, go to Apple's Podcast, leave a review, leave a comment, share it with somebody.
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Y'all want to do it.
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Today's episode, Beyond the Actor, why Brandon Claybon is passionate about Alzheimer's advocacy.
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What's up, fam?
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It's your girl Jay Smiles.
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And once again, you know what I mean?
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It's like, ah, the universe keeps blessing me.
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I think maybe they're like, hey, if you gotta put up with your mama having Alzheimer's, what we're gonna do is keep getting better and better and better guests.
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All right, I'll take it.
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I wish my mom didn't have the disease, but give me something.
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You know what I mean?
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And today is just that instance.
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You always hear, hey, it's only women doing this.
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Men are not involved as being family caregivers.
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Uh not.
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We're about to put that in the trash for once and for all.
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You've seen him on a bunch of stuff, all right?
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But what I know people like the most is Beyond the Gate.
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Listen, Zatima, yes.
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Beyond the Gates, whoo, the number of people who are trying to find this man somewhere is probably illegal, but right now I got it, okay?
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Brandon Clavon.
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How you doing, Brandon?
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I'm doing great, great.
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Thanks so much for having me.
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Thank you for being here.
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And to have a platform like you have, and then to choose to advocate for something outside of your profession is commendable, and thank you.
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Well, um, once again, thank you for having me.
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I um I'm a person that believes that your purpose in life is not always what you do.
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And of course, I'm an actor.
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Uh, that's what I do, but I think my purpose in life is to uplift, encourage, um, educate, uh, and entertain others.
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So I'm just happy to be here.
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You also must drink copious amounts of water because your skin is flawless.
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So I don't know.
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But they got to do the acting.
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But I'm gonna try to figure out how to get his water regimen and I'm gonna let y'all in on it.
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So here at the Parenting Up Podcast, we elevate and support family caregivers.
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Probably many of your fans don't know how connected you have been to the world of dementia, to Alzheimer's specifically, and how it has impacted your life.
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Share with us the family members who have been diagnosed with the disease.
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Let us know are they alive, not alive.
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Well, the disease um runs on both sides of my family.
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From my grandmother to my aunt, um, a cousin.
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Um it's been with me throughout my life, um, until this moment here.
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So I feel like I've been touched by the disease, and I feel like since there isn't a cure, um, we need to continue to advocate, um, tell people about it, um, and find a cure.
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I I think uh at some point in my lifetime, I hope to see it.
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Yes.
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So what he's also saying, fam, is that means donate, right?
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There's gonna be, we're gonna have links and buttons everywhere.
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So find a cure is code for we need money.
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Cure comes with research and trials, and we'll get more into that.
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For sure.
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How old were you when the first person in your family that you were that you knew of uh actually was starting to have problems or showed signs?
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10, 10 years old.
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Whoa.
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Um and my gr grandmother um called me by my dad's name.
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And at the time I I didn't understand.
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Um, but my father was letting me know no, this happens when you get older, but that necessarily wasn't the case.
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He was just trying to explain it in a way that um I could grasp.
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That's right.
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Um but that was difficult for me because I was one of her favorite grandchildren, you know.
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She also made uh sweet potato pies for me, like um throughout the year.
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Okay, and she wouldn't let anyone else touch these pies until I made it to the house, and it's like, no, that's that's Brema's Pie.
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That was my nickname.
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Brema or Bam Bam, yeah.
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Oh, Brema and Bam Bam.
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So listen, on the Parents and Out Podcasts, you always get those juicy bits.
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Okay, okay.
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Where did you grow up?
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I grew up in a small town called Oakland, Tennessee, which is 15, 20 minutes outside of Memphis, Tennessee.
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All right.
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Yeah.
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So it's not West Side, it's just Tennessee.
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No, I'm I'm joking on being California.
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Oh no.
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No, but but I have lived in Los Angeles for the past 14 years.
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So a little west side in me.
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Yeah, that's right.
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That's right, that's right, from the acting, of course.
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That makes perfect sense.
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At 10, that's pretty heavy.
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And I know that we are currently as a system of family caregivers and advocates really trying to let adults know hey, you can't um expect children to not see and feel, right?
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You 10 years old, even if you didn't know what was happening, you could tell grandmama's not quite the same.
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And there's so many um adults who believe, well, there that's just a child, he's just a child, we're not gonna bog him down, he wouldn't understand, we're just gonna say grandmama doesn't feel well.
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But the number of people I've interviewed, Brandon, who actually have carried that into their teenage years, into their early adult years, thinking, could I have done something differently?
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Why didn't they tell me more?
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Did you experience any of that?
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I did.
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Um, because you know, we look at children as if they don't see or they don't feel.
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Um, but that's not the truth of the situation.
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Um I've learned throughout the years that I'm an empath, and so I take on the feelings and energy of everyone that I come in contact with.
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As a child, I didn't understand that.
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Um, but I get it.
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I get it a lot more now because I knew something was wrong even back then when my father wouldn't explain it to me.
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Um I could just feel in his in his eyes, or seeing my aunt, uh, she was the caregiver for my grandmother, just seeing how things made her feel when my grandmother would forget, or just she just wouldn't know, or call her by a different name.
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Um, and it stuck with me.
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Uh, and I knew that I wanted to be an advocate for um Alzheimer's awareness.
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And um, yeah, and that's that's why I'm here.
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I love it.
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I love it.
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Uh, fam, for you all to recognize those who are not on video and you're listening, it is amazing to sit with someone who has been a part of the family caregiver village.
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And so I'm smiling really big when I say this for decades.
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The world has not always acknowledged the secondary and tertiary levels of family caregiving.
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So children may be asked, hey, just go sit with grandmama for an hour until your parents get off work.
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Well, in that one hour, that child is a caregiver.
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Because they're responsible to call 911 or to find the pills or to keep grandmama from walking outside.
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But so often the adults who say, well, just go sit with grandmama, won't recognize this child is the caregiver.
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So what I am asking anyone listening or watching is to recognize that when those children become a part of the care process, please allow them to get uh some it may it may be support, but I know the All-Times Association actually has a um support system for young people who they don't know what to say, they don't even know what to ask, they don't even know how to say, I don't feel right, I'm scared, I'm nervous.
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What if somebody comes to the house and asks to get in and grandmama wants to leave?
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I'm 10 years old.
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I don't know how to make grandmama stay in the house.
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You know?
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So that is something that uh I appreciate you sharing, sharing that with us.
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Um with your cousin and your aunt.
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Now, was this the aunt, the aunt that uh eventually had Alzheimer's?
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Is this the one who also cared for your grandmother?
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Uh yes, it is.
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Um and I I should say that her siblings were involved as well.
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So, of course, my dad helped.
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Um, it was actually in his house that she was staying.
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Um my other aunt, she helped as well.
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Um it it takes a village, yes, you really to come together.
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Like the entire family is affected.
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I don't care if you're 99 years old or you're one.
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Everyone is affected in the family.
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And um it's a blessing to see family come together uh for a loved one like that as well.
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So that's how I knew I was blessed with great families on both sides, my mom and dad.
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Yes.
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Um, it's a tight knit, you know, and we come together for each other, for sure.
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That doesn't always happen.
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I and I understand.
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That doesn't always happen at all.
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As you observed your elders, right?
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So you're saying like one and two generations above you coming together, connecting, to care for whoever had Alzheimer's at the time.
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What did you see them doing that you say, wow, that really worked?
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Part of their strategy, or how they divvied up the responsibilities.
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It's quite interesting that you asked that.
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So sometimes um adults try to get you to do something, they try to tell you what to do.
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So you have to think like they're talking to their parent.
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And telling a parent what to do, it's kind of difficult at times.
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I don't care if you have Alzheimer's or not.
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So my grandmother's like, no, I'm not doing that.
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So it's kind of like I just saw them um, you know, basically easing their way into doing things.
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I'm not gonna tell you exactly, but you might like to do this.
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Or would you like to, you know, eat this cantaloupe?
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Or um, would you like to have a banana?
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It's it's kind of like asking over and over again, basically getting on their nerves.
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It's like, fine, just give it to me.
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That's right.
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Instead of um really demanding, because sometimes that goes arrive.
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It's like, no, who are you talking to?
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You you're not my, you know.
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That's I'm the mama.
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Yes.
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I've gotten that several times.
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She remembers she's the mama.
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Yeah.
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At the end of the day.
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Yes, and I am not the mama, and I am not in charge.
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Exactly.
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And she has let my mother, uh Zeti, who we're approaching year 14 right now, with uh Alzheimer's, she will let me and the caregivers know.
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So there's a caregiver with her right now, and there are times when they say, Well, well, you know, please, to use your reference, eat this cantaloupe.
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I don't want the cantaloupe.
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Please eat the cantaloupe.
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I don't want the cantaloupe.
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I don't like cantaloupe.
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Now, mind you, my mama loves cantaloupe, okay?
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But that day she doesn't want to love it.
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So the best part is when the caregivers tell me, I told her, well, Jay said, please eat the cantaloupe.
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And then she responds, she retorts, Jay, Jay can't tell me what to do.
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She is my child.
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I'm like, dang, oh, but cantaloupe?
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Are we are we really about to battle over this mama?
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But it happens because, like you said, once the Alzheimer's is attack attacks the brain, it's not the same family member anymore.
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Right.
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Um, did most of your family members live in the same city, same area?
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Same city, okay.
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Same area.
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Uh, most of them do.
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Um, and once again, I didn't know how much of a blessing this was until you go to school as a kid and you're talking to other friends about their families, and they tell you, oh, my family lives in Montana and in Wisconsin.
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And I'm like, what?
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What?
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Like, who was that?
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Those are strangers that live that far away.
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Exactly.
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Understood, understood.
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Um, as you um your grand uh your grandmother, I believe, is not correct.
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What changes did you see um within yourself as well as your family members who had offered care to her when she passed?
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I'm asking this specifically because um families are often torn.
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In one way you are so happy they're no longer suffering, but because there were so many additional intimate moments, right, then there becomes this big void and gap because you're like, hey, I was with her every day, or I I was the one who was responsible to shampoo her hair.
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And there's sometimes we found here at the Panting Up Community, that there's almost like uh a sense of purpose that's now vanished.
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Of course, you spend a lot of time and energy with um the loved one.
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Um once that once that person is no longer with us, I think what I saw the most was acknowledgement of the memories in every moment that you had, even in the disease, because sometimes it's just a light bulb, something just happens, and guess what?
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They're on.
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You know, they're on today.
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You know, you start knocking, they was like, Yeah, I'm here.
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That's right.
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I'm I'm here.
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What's up?
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Um I think it was just moments we we'll sit down and um like family gatherings and we talk about those moments.
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Okay.
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We talk about how my cousin um would cook us cheesecakes every holiday.
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Like he was really, really good at recipes.
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Um, and of course, um with dementia, that all changed and he couldn't remember it, and it was upsetting because we didn't get any of the recipes before.
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And it was not like it was written down or anything.
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And so my mom, she, you know, I think she tried.
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Um, but it it would, it was never the same.
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So we'd always have the memories, and just to talk about them, that took up space and that energy was still there, and we we knew they're right around the corner, they're right over our shoulder.
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Okay, I'm gonna take this as a moment of personal privilege.