Caregivers need care too: a “crew” chat with Christine Beatty

J Smiles: 0:00

Talk about you extensively in episodes One, two and three to start there so that people really get to hear the voice, the mind and the spirit of the individual who supported me so fully when everything hit all the fans with Zetty. So I want to go back to Jocko it past that he wasn't doing so well and I took her out to LA, I want to put you back in that mindset. I took her out to LA, okay, I call you and I say, Hey, Chris, they telling me Zetty needs to have brain surgery. Do you remember that phone call?

Christine: 0:35

Oh, yeah, very vividly.

J Smiles: 0:37

What were you thinking? When I called you with that?

Christine: 0:40

I think my first thought was what you're talking about Willis? Seriously, I heard it but it was like, Okay, how do we get to brain surgery? You know, what have they found? Is this terminal. What is this and then my immediate next thought was, I'm on my way.

J Smiles: 0:56

Parenting up caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles, is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my mom. For almost a decade. I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with the heartbeat. Spolier alert- I started comedy because this stuff is so heavy, be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.

Zetty: 1:28

Hi, this is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay?

J Smiles: 1:39

Today's episode, caregivers need care too. A conversation with Christine Beatty, Christine Lin Roland Beatty

Christine: 1:49

Has my whole name.

J Smiles: 1:51

I can't believe you're here.

Christine: 1:53

Okay, I want some real claps. Okay. (laughter)

J Smiles: 1:57

You want sound effects?

Christine: 1:57

I want sound effects.

J Smiles: 2:03

The crowd loves you.

Christine: 2:05

That's the proper introduction right there. I love it.

J Smiles: 2:08

You deserve it.

Christine: 2:08

So glad to hear.

J Smiles: 2:09

So I want to dig right into it. I was in Los Angeles. And it does feel like before I hung up the phone, you were walking into the hotel room a little bit kind of taken over. It's easy for you to do that. I'm gonna give a little shout out to to your mother who I call mama C who has a doctorate in nursing. So you know your way around hospitaling.

Christine: 2:29

Yeah.

J Smiles: 2:29

And you know your way in and out of how to speak with doctors and nurses and you know, the language and the lingo.

Christine: 2:35

I've been groomed well.

J Smiles: 2:36

Yes, you have. Tell me what was your perspective of what you saw when you got to LA. When you got there had the surgery happened already?

Christine: 2:45

No, not yet.

J Smiles: 2:46

So it was like hours before it's about to happen?

Christine: 2:48

Yeah

J Smiles: 2:48

You get there in both. Whatcha thinking?

Unknown: 2:51

So my first thought was just kind of the severity of what's about to happen. The road that we're about to go down? This is serious, you know, we had had concerns prior to you going to LA, which is why you went to get answers as to what was happening with Zetty and what her condition really meant. We suspected a few things had no real answers. When the hydrocephalus came back as being part of the issue in the surgery needed to be done. It was like wow, this is real serious. Anybody operating on someone's brain, someone's head, you already know the severity of what you're dealing with. So for me, I was like, Okay, well, Christine needs to be in LA where Janay is and Zetty is because God forbid something happens and Janay is there by herself. Of course then I went to praying that all was going to be well. And so when I walked in and I saw Zetty in the hospital, she was her you know, Zetty took la like a vacation. Hi, sweetheart. How are you? You know, I'm walking in like, Oh, my God, oh, my God, you know, and she's just like, everything is normal and peachy king, right? Yes. She made us feel better. Yeah. You know, it was it was serious, right.

J Smiles: 4:00

Very serious. You came several times while we were out there. How was that in coming back to see the transformation in her during her recovery period?

Christine: 4:09

Like I said, when I walked in, you know, the first time when she was about to have the surgery and literally seeing her after the surgery.

J Smiles: 4:17

Yes

Christine: 4:18

She was in such good spirits. It tripped me out. I'm expecting tubes and unconscious state. When you come out of brain surgery. She's smiling. I never forget. I walked in the room and she's sitting there smile a bandage on her head. Like literally she just had a checkup. Hi. I said, Hey, hi, baby. How are you? Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

J Smiles: 4:42

That's right. That's right.

Christine: 4:43

Really, this is what happens after brain surgery. I was relieved but again, still recognizing that she's still not her full self.

J Smiles: 4:53

Right

Christine: 4:53

Being overjoyed that her demeanor was one of clearly not pain or agony because that would have you know, thrown us off for oh my god this is horrible is detrimental and I think it gave some light to the situation.

J Smiles: 5:07

Yes

Christine: 5:07

Because her demeanor was so positive. It was amazing. It was nothing but God in my view. And then when we

J Smiles: 5:11

It was when she transition like when you just ask the question getting back to coming back the second time when she came out of the hospital. I came back after you guys went to the hotel and it's so funny because the hotel was home right? It was the little cute boutique hotel, LA vacation and you're transferred to it was like this is long term. Extended stay

Christine: 5:33

Extended stay hotel, but her progression was still amazing to watch, you know, as she still began to walk still be very self sufficient. The surgery remarkably solved a lot of the immediate issues that she was facing early on and we were very positive you know, like okay, yes, the you know, the shunt has done it you know, we might be on the road you know, it was a hopeful thing we might be on the road regulars Zetty is on the way back. So that was kind of you know, they had already kind of given you the information that hey, this is ALZ and we're still like okay, we hear you

J Smiles: 6:09

We hear you right

Christine: 6:10

But this this shunt about to solve some of this we don't care what you say

J Smiles: 6:13

That's right.

Christine: 6:14

You know

J Smiles: 6:14

You're right. We did feel like that because they told us that the ALZ the test to unequivocally prove the ALZ Had to come months after

Christine: 6:23

Right Right

J Smiles: 6:25

The shunt surgery.

Christine: 6:27

Right

J Smiles: 6:27

Cuz we are optimist. We're like, Yeah, what but look, this shunt could straight now stuff so well, that maybe that ALZ gets scared and it might just go away. Might poof and it left to way like magic. We were feeling like that. Her spirits were fantastic. After the surgery. I can remember a little bit her memory wasn't all the way there.

Christine: 6:49

Mmhmm

J Smiles: 6:49

Because remember, we were trying to find pictures and our cell phones.

Christine: 6:53

Yeah.

J Smiles: 6:53

Because I'll show her to show her pictures of people.

Christine: 6:57

Yeah

J Smiles: 6:57

To see did she remember, did she remember because the some of the therapists like the occupational therapist, not the physical therapist, but the occupational therapist. Obviously, we don't live in Los Angeles. So we couldn't just go to the house and go get photographs. And they were wanting to use memories from her life and to try to see if she was improving. And so here we are in our cell phones trying to find pictures of the house.

Christine: 7:21

You remember you got those pictures printed at the LA and brought them to the hospital.

J Smiles: 7:25

I did and put them on a big poster.

Christine: 7:29

Okay, look Zetty these are all the important people in our life right here.

J Smiles: 7:33

Right out to cell phones.

Christine: 7:33

We know these, right out of the cell phone. It was like that we needed. Okay, let's get it done.

J Smiles: 7:39

And then she's looking at us like yep there is JG and Chris.

Christine: 7:41

Remeber we were literally, I forgot about that. We were literally in the drugstore getting the pictures printed, right.

J Smiles: 7:46

There were a lot of moving parts to that entire experience.

Christine: 7:50

And we were so excited when there was somebody she did remember i=and it was kind of like, oh, like little things like I remember, you know, give her something to read. And she read it like we all do like perfect. Yes. So everything, like anything that happened. We were like, yes. She's coming back, we on the way.

J Smiles: 8:07

We on the way! You can do it. It means you say something like, Where's your daddy? And I was like, Oh, wait a minute.

Christine: 8:17

Oh, he's supposed to be here. not been here too long. And he hasn't been here yet. I lay

J Smiles: 8:22

I was like, uhhh wheres the vodka? What I want to talk about now, I want to back up a little more.

Christine: 8:32

Okay

J Smiles: 8:33

Because there are not a lot of people in this world that can discuss in great detail. The question I'm about to pose to you. You are my friend. But you came to be like another daughter to my mom, you've created your own relationship fully independent of me.

Christine: 8:50

Yeah

J Smiles: 8:51

I would like to add, I have a similar relationship with your mother.

Christine: 8:54

That is correct.

J Smiles: 8:54

We are both competitive. So I just need everybody to know. You ain't got with my mama that I ain't got with your mama. I just need the record to reflect which has nothing to do with this podcast. That's just how I am. So I would like you to kind of share what you remember about Zetty before any of this stuff happened. Now let me back up even a step more just so people can understand. Christina and I went to Howard University together. We've known each other for like three decades. I knew her last century. I love saying that a century we will it we've known each other through heartbreaks and triumphs, having to borrow 50 cents and then having $50,000 in a bank, whatever it is, all the ups and downs, twists and turns you can think of kids not kids, deaths, births, everything, houses, apartments, dorm rooms, whatever (laughter)

Christine: 9:52

You've been through it all.

J Smiles: 9:56

But not to this what we've been through as friends but our families became close.

Christine: 10:00

Absolutly

J Smiles: 10:01

So you got to know my mom, my grandparents, my dad so I really want you to share your version of what my mom was before this disease because a huge part of why I'm doing this podcast is to shed light on what the disease does to what otherwise we thought was a really healthy thriving person. Not enough people are aware right of what the disease does. I give kudos to the cancer people Susan G. Komen sister that girl the sister is the truth because she got pissed off when hustlers desired more back in the 70s. I said I did she said, I tell you what, my sister is gone. But I tell you what, right we're gonna find a cure. And now the big insurance companies allow everybody to get a mammogram starting at 35 with any kind of insurance that you have. Big old manly men, professional athletes are wearing pink all October.

Christine: 11:02

No question.

J Smiles: 11:03

Okay, I want that to be the amount of awareness, your conversation around alzheimer's I want people to know what it i and what it looks like. Becaus now with cancer, if you se somebody baldhead with no facia hair, you don't think they'r alien do like, Oh, they must b going through chemo o radiation. And we don't frea out. We actually have empath and compassion, right

Christine: 11:24

That's the goal for ALZ.

J Smiles: 11:26

That's the goal.

Christine: 11:26

Absolutely.

J Smiles: 11:27

So please share a little bit you know Zetty for a bunch of years before this disease.

Christine: 11:32

So for me Yyour mom was just probably one of the brightest lights seriously that I've ever met. Somebody you know, sometimes you meet people and their spirit and their energy just overtakes you. Zetty's personality was that fiercely, loyal, protective but just kind generous and no matter who it was she made you feel like she'd known you for years. So then when you actually got a chance to know her and be close to her you felt honored to just be in her presence just for her to love you. Because everybody loved Yvette everybody knew Yvette, man, I'm sure you've shared this on your podcast. Your mom was a legend in Alabama. You know, she was the first black CPA in Alabama, first black female, excuse me, CPA in Alabama. That was huge. We talking about Alabama State that's known for anti civil rights and anti black folks. And here your mother made her mark. She was already her own legend, but never would you ever meet her and think that's what she was because she welcomed you in like a mom. And I thought I mean, you just felt familiar immediately. And just her personality, just beautiful spirit, which that has not left. Some of the stuff is left and I know you're probably gonna ask me some more but that spirit, her light and when I see kind of the light dim sometimes that's when I get sad, because that's the thing that has carried is her light? Not her memory but her light has still remained you know, she goes through certain episodes now when you see her tired or confused and you kind of see the light dim that those are the times where I'm affected. Yeah, for me personally because her spirit is just it's a fantastic spirit. Very few people have spirits like that. And she is one.

J Smiles: 13:20

Your wedding. You invited my mama as my plus one. I actually had a boyfriend at the time. I had a dude that I was dating for real like I was I was really dating.

Christine: 13:32

Why are you playing Zetty could have gotten her own It was probably her invitations because you was in the wedding, invitation. matter of fact, the invitation was sent to her. I don't think I sent you one it wasn't given you were coming you were in the darn wedding. Im like you were Zetty, you were Zetty's plus one

J Smiles: 13:50

I know, I know

Christine: 13:51

She was not yours. Let's be clear.

J Smiles: 13:54

And then when you had your kids I think Zetty was like those were great kids cuz JG ain't gonna never have none.

Christine: 14:00

No question they were. They were treated as as grandkids along with our nieces kids and she has loved my aunt Lauren, like her own granddaughters no question. Your mom's ability to have this stellar career. And again, because we're only children.

J Smiles: 14:19

Yes, right. We're both of us

Christine: 14:20

Only children and our mothers are our world. I'm talking about 100 the real I think the reason why I have so much empathy in this situation is because I understand at the end of the day is you and Zetty not saying Jacko the threesome You know what I'm saying? She is your connection

J Smiles: 14:33

Yes. was there but you and Zetty that's it. That's the connect you know, because it's me and my mom and when you know you all you got and that's it, it rea ly is your connection to this to this planet dude. And, arth. That's right

Christine: 14:56

I understand that. It gives you

J Smiles: 14:59

Zetty is my stork.

Christine: 15:01

No question but what the whole stork do. She is and just her, you know how she raised you and had this career and never ever did you feel neglected as a daughter?

J Smiles: 15:15

That's right and that's wild

Christine: 15:17

Ever

J Smiles: 15:18

That's wild. And I don't really know, I still don't know how she did it.

Christine: 15:20

She traveled across the state of Alabama, being a forensic accountant and still made you feel like you were her first priority.

J Smiles: 15:27

That's right. And we ain't have cell phones. I don't even know how she talked to me to be quite honest.

Christine: 15:30

We did not have cellphones.

J Smiles: 15:32

We didn't have email or nothing. I don't know.

Christine: 15:34

We had house phone ,rotary. Yeah. So yeah. So so that alone is a huge accomplishment.

J Smiles: 15:42

Correct. Correct. And by the time I was leaving high school, and then went to college, she was traveling all over the nation.

Christine: 15:47

Yeah.

J Smiles: 15:48

Real talk her contracts with the state of Michigan, believe it or not, Washington, DC and the state of California that got me my first car. So thank you.

Christine: 15:58

I know that's right. I'm not mad at that part. b

J Smiles: 16:00

Yeah. So my mom, she was a forensic accountant before that word was really a career path. And she was the first black woman to have her own consulting firm doing it. So I gotta tell you, I've said many times to people, it baffled me that her brain was the thing that was failing her, I was like, ah, Doc, I'm gonna need y'all to check something else. Maybe it's her thyroid that's making her confused, right? Or maybe her lungs are not getting enough oxygen to the brain. It can't be the brain itself that's falling apart, you don't understand what you must be saying, you know what I mean,

Christine: 16:38

I don't know if this happens in every case of ALZ, but for sure, with Zetty it is the muscle that she utilized the most.

J Smiles: 16:47

Correct.

Christine: 16:47

And the thing that worked the hardest, correct her whole life because she was brilliant. The irony of it. The irony of it is like really the brain?

J Smiles: 17:00

Right. Right.

Christine: 17:02

Just I mean, feet, or like just some not like, you know, her her her level of knowledge. And again, let's be clear, not just about things in her professional arena. Your mom was a civil rights activist, her knowledge of history of what happened in Alabama, her knowledge of family, she was next to her mama glow. Right. Your Mama was the matriarch.

J Smiles: 17:28

That's correct.

Christine: 17:29

So it's like the brain. Yeah, no.

J Smiles: 17:32

That's right.

Christine: 17:32

The irony of this disease is to see how it can take somebody of that caliber and really deduce their mental capacity to that of a baby

J Smiles: 17:44

Fast too

Christine: 17:44

Very fast.

J Smiles: 17:46

And not that this really matters in science, but psychologically it does, right. My Mother, she didn't drink, she didn't smoke. She didn't do drugs. Some of the things that you might want to add to the list of well, you know, she was she was living a hard life. She was living hard and fast. You know, now she did she did not get a lot of sleep. Now if that has anything to do with it. If they ever tie sleep deprivation, well then we we have a if that's the case, then

Christine: 18:15

ding ding ding

J Smiles: 18:15

I might get it.

Christine: 18:15

You and me both. We have a winner. She she burned the candle at both ends.

J Smiles: 18:22

That is correct.

Christine: 18:23

No question.

J Smiles: 18:23

That is correct. It is just made it that much more infuriating for me, because I'm saying I need answers. And I

Christine: 18:26

Right need answers quickly. And no one really has answers. My

J Smiles: 18:31

And then when I realized because you know, my grandfather had it. I've never been closer to any human being more than I'm close to my mom, you are right. It's always been JG and Zetty. And everyone's kn w that even Jocko was saying, e would say, my relationship wi h JG and my marriage with Yve te was solidified when I rea ized that JG came first. When I, when I realized that he wa like, everything got smooth. After that, I never he said I never met a woman like that. parents got married when I was eight, so right, I was already there. The thing is Alzheimer's affects people so differently. The signs and symptoms can be so different. And I just want people to know that, you know, memory loss is one symptom, but also a change in executive functioning. So maybe it's an individual who used to be able to cook very complex dishes, and all of a sudden, they used to be able to make this fantastic souffle. And now the last three times they left the eggs out, well that's a thing.

Christine: 19:40

Right

J Smiles: 19:41

Somebody needs to go have them checked out because if you're the master chef and the family you don't leave the eggs out of the souffle. I don't even know if souffles have eggs. Whatever that main ingredient is right. You're not supposed to do that. And one of the first things that they had my mom do was to have this dual psyh exam. I remember it was an all day exam. I couldn't be in the room with my mom. This was even before the brain surgery.

Christine: 20:05

Yeah, I remember

J Smiles: 20:07

Of course you do. I tell you everything. Don't say everything that I've ever told you on this podcast. Then we have to end the podcast and leave the country. It's a whole nother podcast. It's called leave the world. We have got to call Elon Musk and gone on and move to Mars. So with that neural psych exam at the end, Lady gave me the report. And she said, Well, your mother should not handle any of her own affairs. She shouldn't drive a car or use fire and I was like, well, she doesn't smoke anything. She said, Oh, by fire. I mean, cook. Now my mama drove us to the doctor to that appointment. I'm gonna this lady like, with this neuro psych exam is clearly bonkers. I don't even know whoever made this test up. What do you mean, she can't do? First of all, are you trying to tell me I'm about to tell Zettyy she can't manage our own money. You're called nutsoh.

Christine: 21:03

Oh, oh.

J Smiles: 21:04

I can't take her money. So even the thought of having to be in charge of my mother's money was so scary, Chris. Because I don't want to mess it up. And I also don't want to what's what I'm looking for? What is the word when you're trying to demean mean her? Right? This is her thing. Numbers and money is what she's known for. How dare I dare to start walking into banks. And I'm speaking on her behalf she is standing right here. You ask her what she wants to do. And they're looking at me and asking me and I'm like, I don't even want you to ask me.

Christine: 21:44

That was a huge transition. I remember that the level of anxiety that you had, well literally becoming these words were never used in the beginning, caregiver. It's like what do you mean? No, my mother is very able. She's able bodied.

J Smiles: 22:03

No. My stomach is hurting right now, thinking about that. Because Yeah, I didn't want her to need it. Yeah, you remember me joking. calling myself Jonah. Yep, Jonah in the Bible, okay, I am no Bible authority. I am Christian, but I'm Catholic. And we don't grow up doing that with the Bible, the Bible, the Bible, the Bible, the way in my understanding, Jonah does it all. He does everything God tells him to do, but he doesn't around about way and he is complaining the entire time. He does not want to do it. And I was Jonah, through all of that. I mean, I still lean into Jonah quite often. But during that time, I was like, I don't want to have to walk into court or get these documents signed on my mother's behalf. I don't want to have this. Like I don't want to really exercise the power of attorney. I mean, I have it because that's prudent.

Christine: 22:57

Right

J Smiles: 22:57

But you're telling me that I'm supposed to make a decision for Zetty for Yvette Smiley Smith on financial matters. Are you kidding me? First of all, I don't know more than her

Christine: 23:06

Right

J Smiles: 23:07

Not on this.

Christine: 23:08

Right

J Smiles: 23:08

It hurt my heart to have to assert that

Christine: 23:11

I'll equate to this and like I said, this is where my level of empathy meaning I felt everything you went through that would mean that would be like my mother's has, like you said a PhD in nursing. That would be like me having to speak on my mother's behalf on something about nursing now. You know, we call my mother for every thing medical. Me, you , my friends everybody. Oh, let's call Carolyn.

J Smiles: 23:39

She is my Web MD.

Christine: 23:41

Right. So there are so many similarities and why I say my empathy is so deep. I cannot fathom having to speak for Carolyn about anything to do with nursing. Like, like, what what are you even talking about?

J Smiles: 23:58

It is my deep prayer that nobody I love. I don't want anybody I love to ever need advice for me in this area.

Christine: 24:05

Oh, no question.

J Smiles: 24:06

Because while everybody that we love will eventually leave their earthly body.

Christine: 24:10

Absolutely.

J Smiles: 24:11

We don't have to become their caregiver before they do it.

Christine: 24:13

Correct.

J Smiles: 24:14

So I'm hoping that none of my girls or none of my dudes have to become caregivers. If they're not already one. I'm hoping nobody has to do it. But I might make it even a little more intense. You like don't do that.

Christine: 24:26

Like, what you talking about.

J Smiles: 24:28

Not just about nursing, but you have to make a critical medical decision on her behalf about her own body. For whatever reason, she can't make the decision for herself. You got to decide without her input.

Christine: 24:43

Yeah. So here's the difference. I would say for me, praise God. Carolyn has been very explicit about what she wants medical stuff. So I do have that thing in this situation with you and Zetty, is it happened so suddenly So there were no extensive I'm not gonna say you guys never had to cover. Of course you did. You know, there was planning there was, but there were no extensive conversations about J, if this happens, here are all my wishes it was to sudden.

J Smiles: 25:16

Correct

Christine: 25:16

My just oh my god, the level of heaviness that you had to assume because of how fast the mental deterioration happened. And we watched it, it was literally one day she was at the office making decisions. And this is not made up. She was still at the office in February. And I think by July that was over. We're talking about a lifelong career. It was over in July, never to return totally. She never went back to her office after that, ever. And here's the other thing for listeners, not only does she not go back, she didn't remember that she didn't go back.

J Smiles: 25:54

And you know how you know, she didn't go back?

Christine: 25:57

Because I was there.

J Smiles: 25:58

Yes, because Christine luckily, not only are you one of my dearest friends, it just so happened that the universe blessed me with a core group of friends that have skillsets when needed.

Christine: 26:13

Right, when called upon

J Smiles: 26:15

Skill sets that match my deficiencies. So you are extraordinary at project management, reorg, and everything that falls up under those umbrellas. And so when it came to the closure and reorg blah, blah, blah, of my mother's business, I tapped you. I was like, listen, I don't know what else you're doing in your life. And actually, I remember telling you something like this, and I digress in translation. Hey, listen, Chris. I don't know what all you got going on. Actually. Don't even tell me cuz then I'll feel bad. You like so Jay. We're like, okay, tomorrow,

Christine: 26:54

Tomorrow, can you start tomorrow?

J Smiles: 26:55

Can I give you the address? And I'm gonna give you the number to the office manager. Jay, what do you want me to do? Close it, what you want me to keep? You decide like, okay, so listen, pretty much. The files need to be kept for seven years because she's an accountant. And there may be some audits and things of that nature. And what do you want me to keep it? Ummmm hmmm you figure it out. I'm not sure. That out some stuff is kept digitally some stuff. We need a storage. I don't really know, man. That's why I got you.

Christine: 27:25

Yeah. Just you know what even hearing you say that back, that alone is even crazy. And talks about the level of just was, I don't know what the word would be. But just how alz up ends, people's lives. Literally, we're talking about in a period of five months, your mother went from a thriving accounting business to you saying. Okay, we got to call this because she's never coming back the level in which your life changed so suddenly, it's astounding. And not because you were like, oh we were shutting this down the necessity because had we not shut it down, they're still payroll, they're still clients. How do we manage that? We're not we're not accountants.

J Smiles: 28:06

No.

Christine: 28:07

We have zero CPA. Between the two of us.

J Smiles: 28:10

That's correct.

Christine: 28:11

Or between any other people in your family? There are no other CPAs.

J Smiles: 28:14

That is correct. That is correct. So yeah, there wasn't even anybody

Christine: 28:15

Yeah, to tap say, hey, you can have it. We're just going bequeath this to you. Here you go. You take the firm and run

J Smiles: 28:22

It probably took about a year of winding down after the brain surgery, it was clear that the office wasn't going back to the office would need to close but they took about a year of putting enough ducks in a row to say like how do we do it smoothly and professionally close this down while managing the cases making sure her staff was taken care of

Christine: 28:47

I was just about to say because there were staff there wasn't like it was just her by herself and her firm. She had a staff

J Smiles: 28:51

Right and I wanted to make sure that they her staff had been very loyal and very supportive. So you have to make sure that they are properly compensated and have whatever level of packages slash bonuses necessary to make them feel whole as much as you can. No one ever wants to be out of a job. Next thing I want to chat with you about is me as a caregiver

Christine: 29:14

Evolution of Janay

J Smiles: 29:16

Evolution. Alright, so use Whoo, man, you knew me before I was a Smith.

Christine: 29:22

Yeah. Oh, that's so crazy.

J Smiles: 29:23

Isn't that crazy? This podcast is about the caregiving adventures of comedian J Smiles.

Christine: 29:29

Right

J Smiles: 29:30

I would like you to share from your perspective, you know, raw and uncensored. What you have noticed slash observed in me about me being around me as a caregiver that is different before I was a caregiver.

Christine: 29:49

Pre-caregiver Janay was care free. It's so funny to go from care free to caregiver.

J Smiles: 29:56

Oh my God, that's gonna be a shirt. Okay, look, I gotta go ahead and hurry up and get to the patent and trademark office.

Christine: 30:02

From care free to caregiver dude, if I can describe to people you have always been a free spirit, right always about exploration and discovery. You are not somebody who does routine well, that's not your thing. routine is not an

J Smiles: 30:17

Excuse me hold on. That was a comment that deserves applause.

Christine: 30:27

Pre caregiver, we have Janay, who has got a mechanical engineering degree. I'm going to go to California, go to Stanford and get a master's degree in product, product design, engineering.

J Smiles: 30:40

All of them get jumbled up. I'm a work for four.

Christine: 30:43

I'm a design toothbrushes for the oral B folks. I'm gonna I'm going to explore Italy. I'm going to take residents there for a while. I'm going to visit all seven continents as my grandmother encouraged me to do I am going to be a world traveler.

J Smiles: 30:58

That's correct.

Christine: 30:58

That's pre caregiver. That is people seriously those of us who person sitting right here, maybe it's been to two continents by the grace of God, like Wow, that's so awesome. You going where J. Oh, wow. Oh, you're going to Bali? Oh, where are you going to South Africa. Oh, how long? Are you going for the FIFA cup the World Cup? Oh, no. Wow. Okay. Oh you're going for the Olympics? Oh, wow. So that's pre caregiver. You never knew where J was gonna be. And it was expected. That's how we knew you. That was your life. And it was so fantastic. Right to see you being able to and your parents are like, okay, Jay, where are you going now? All right, you know your mom. Okay. Jay, be careful. And your parents were also included in some of the travel true

J Smiles: 31:43

I made them get their passports.

Christine: 31:45

I'm sorry, guys. I didn't throw anyone to law school. Got a law degree?

J Smiles: 31:48

That's correct. .

Christine: 31:48

Okay. So that's all pre.

J Smiles: 31:50

Yes.

Christine: 31:50

That was the carefree that was a carefree description. We transition to caregiver you are now a comedian.

J Smiles: 31:57

Correct

Christine: 31:58

J Smiles was invented all jokes aside J Smiles has been an outlet. Here's the thing that I've noticed that you had to do care free Janay's outlets were travel, exploration, discovery, just very free spirited activities. Caregiver Janay had to find outlets that kept you a little bit closer to home.

J Smiles: 32:20

Right.

Christine: 32:21

When you said I'm going to take a stand up comedy class, I think all of us were like, like it was Scooby. Like it was it was so out of like the blue and then you explained that I need an outlet dude, this is heavy.

J Smiles: 32:38

I'm dying over here.

Christine: 32:39

I need an outlet you know, crazy thing is not only did you do it, you took a head on and Zetty got to come to shows in the beginning to see you be a comedian.

J Smiles: 32:50

OMG. That's so right. Oh my goodness. I forgot about that. In the beginning. Remember, right not only was she at the show, she actually was alert enough to really know it was me and laugh and clap and stand up. Thank you for that.

Christine: 33:06

She got to see you transition into J Smiles comedian. What changed? I'm gonna say it in the good in the bad way. Your Spirit was a little heavier. The carefreeness you still have traveled over the last eight years, but in no way shape or form have you been able to be mentally free like you were before. That's another clap?

J Smiles: 33:26

Yeah. Christine is about to bust open my sound pad.

Christine: 33:36

You traveling post ALZ diagnosis is so different because for those of you who might be caregivers, you can probably relate. There are calendars on the wall. There are names of people who are to be in place there are meals there are medicines schedules. And so before it was let me pack my clothes the night before and then I'm going on three week trip. Yeah, me you pack. Not really. Yeah, that's over with.

J Smiles: 34:01

Oh my god. I forgot I used to pack like that.

Christine: 34:03

Like, I'm going to Africa for three weeks. I gotta go home topack tonight. I'm sorry. You gotta go home pack tonight. So you have it started. Okay, well dang.

J Smiles: 34:12

Oh, that was fun.

Christine: 34:13

The amount of preparation that post ALZ Janay had to do when traveling preparation and care for Zetty that has to be in place for I'm talking about a two day trip, right? We're not talking about three because you ain't been no where three weeks. Your mom has been diagnosed. So that has not happened. Just the amount of preparation. I go back to that being a big deal.

J Smiles: 34:35

Remember when I went live in other countries for three or more months?

Christine: 34:40

Yeah.

J Smiles: 34:40

Wow. actually have driver's license with my photo? Yeah, with the stamp of the other country in my imagination. I'm a citizen. I got a license. This is my spouse. I'm from here right now from Italy.

Christine: 34:54

I'm from Italy. I'm from South Africa. I'm from Bali I don't really understand what you mean right now what has changed is the spirit of care free has had to be placed completely on the backburner that no longer exists. There's no care free anymore because you can't be carefree and be a caregiver. It doesn't exist though.

J Smiles: 35:18

Hold on wait, we got to pause on that. Okay, I cant put a cheer board on it because cheers normally

Christine: 35:24

Are for good things

J Smiles: 35:25

Well is not it's not as it's not good, but it's so serious. Oh, no, no, how, like, we were in touch. I'm like, I don't think you hear me now. I'm gonna say it again. Then can I get an amen.

Christine: 35:35

Those would be in the English. You know, we were taught doing an English test. Those would be antonyms. opposites. carefree, caregiver, those two things cannot exist.

J Smiles: 35:44

Engineering, I don't know nothing about. Yeah,

Christine: 35:46

So those two things can exist at the same time. I'm claiming it right now here on the Parenting Up podcast.

J Smiles: 35:51

I think that's right, I think we need to go ahead and make that shirt. I'm gonna talk to my people at the Alzheimer's association to see if we can go and pop that on the website, we can get extra donations. And today I'm sitting over here with chills a little bit like I was supposed to keep going with this interview in this conversation. But I don't know what else to say. Cuz she looked, I feel like I'm in therapy. I'd slide you a lttle change the yo cash app. So yeah.

Christine: 36:15

But that's what I would call the negative or because it's not a negative. It was the thing that I felt saddest from my friend.

J Smiles: 36:22

Gotcha.

Christine: 36:23

Because you were my friend.

J Smiles: 36:24

I'm still your friend I hope.

Christine: 36:25

You right because I was talking about you were. right. No. Well, you're my friend. So for my friend, my sister, my J, the J that I knew and know because that is the essence of Janae to not be able to fully express that made me and makes me sad. Now I'm gonna give you the positive. The flip side of that the amount of time and attention to detail that you have acquired, and having to be a caregiver for your mother is astounding. And you may already be aware of this on your own. But I need you to understand if your mother needs something, you know, nothing is off limits. We've gotten to the point where your mom's incontinence is very heavy.

J Smiles: 37:09

Yes it is

Christine: 37:10

When a new thing pops up a new condition that comes about as a result of the ALZ progressing

J Smiles: 37:16

Right

Christine: 37:16

You immediately go to not finding a solution to make it easier for you. But what can I find to make it more palatable for my mother to have to deal with what she's experiencing now at this stage?

J Smiles: 37:30

Right

Christine: 37:30

You went to find a portable disposable catheter, Yes So that your mom doesn't have to be woken up 2,3,4,5,6 times a night to be changed.

J Smiles: 37:42

Yes

Christine: 37:42

You've always been focused, when you have something and you know, you want to figure something out, that's your engineering mind, you're gonna figure it out. So that has translated into I'm gonna figure out how to make it okay, for my momma. I'm gonna figure out how to solve this, so that Zetty is okay, in what we're having to deal with. Not let me make it comfortable for me, nah , if I got to do something 20 times a day to make you comfortable with that. So that's what I've seen. That's the change that I've seen, your level of detail for the care of your mother is fantastic. It is it is second to none. That is something I truly admire.

J Smiles: 38:18

That is like, for a Catholic, that would be like, Okay, I'm Catholic, or Catholic, that would be like the pope saying you're a good Catholic to your face. I know non Catholics wonder why we even care what the pope do. And I'm even when I get into that it's not a religious podcast. But what I'm saying is, if you are Catholic, and the Pope says you're a good Catholic, you can't have a bigger deal than that. But because of how I know you feel about your mama and about your daughters, for you to say that about the way I'm caring for my mom gives me goosebumps. And I want to say thank you.

Christine: 38:58

Yeah

J Smiles: 38:59

What's amazing is as much as I talked to you on a regular basis was so nuts is

Christine: 39:05

We haven't really had this conversation.

J Smiles: 39:06

We have never had this conversation. I am your oldest child's God Mama, but whatever. Anyway, God handles things in his own time. And this is fine with me.

Christine: 39:19

Yeah, yeah, that's that that is that that is my positive, as I say, the negative in a positive way or an up and down. And the upside is that part to me, you know, you may have lost the ability to be carefree, but you gained the ability to be a caregiver in a way that should be modeled for people because it's how anybody with ALZ should be loved and walked through the process because it's so intense. So it's so easy to get frustrated. It's so easy, and it's acceptable to get frustrated,

J Smiles: 39:54

Dude. Oh, my goodness. Thank you for saying that.

Christine: 39:56

Yeah

J Smiles: 39:57

That's a part of the stigma that I would like to change. Change or a part of the narrative that I would like to become unacceptable.

Christine: 40:05

Right

J Smiles: 40:05

The same way for a whole bunch of years, it was acceptable in the United States for a husband to beat his wife or for a husband to force his wife to have sex, even if she didn't want to. It's fine because he had a bad dad work or because now that you're married, you must have intercourse. Now. I'm not trying to get into the nuances. I'm not saying doesn't ever happen. But there has been a change in what is socially acceptable in this nation, as well as what is legally acceptable. And I'm wanting to push and get that not only in

Christine: 40:34

Right policy and legislative change around Alzheimers, but also in social and cultural change by saying by definition, if they have any form of dementia definitely if they have Alzheimer's, do not ever get upset with them about something that they're saying or doing that's unreasonable. Their disease is of the mind it is of their mind. Yes, it doesn't make sense. It might not make sense to anybody around but to get frustrated doesn't make it any better. While I understand how frustrating it can be because I saw it with my grandfather. I saw it with family members doing it with my grandfather. That is when I vowed to never do it with anybody. Mm hmm.

J Smiles: 41:22

Because it was my grandfather, so I wasn't in charge.

Christine: 41:26

That's right.

J Smiles: 41:26

My mom and her siblings were in charge.

Christine: 41:28

Right

J Smiles: 41:28

So I was mostly just I just had shifts whenever they said, Jay is your night or your weekend

Christine: 41:33

Right

J Smiles: 41:33

I thought but what y'all know granddaddy doesn't mean that. Like by this time, he was in his 80s and I'm like for 80 years, he has been sweet and nice and kind to all of us. My grandfather, he never cussed at us. He never thought, he was a pushover for all of his kids. He gave my grandmama hell, but if you came out of his loins as he would have said it, right. Like how you all of a sudden, he didn't change, he has this disease that made him change. So I really am on a mission to have people understand even if they don't want to initially that you're getting frustrated. That's your problem. You're in denial about the disease, Mr. or Mrs. Joe Blow, caregiver, friend, neighbor, if you know this person has Alzheimer's, then you have to accept or you need to work on accepting that their mental decline makes them unable to have coherent conversations. It makes them unable to follow through.

Christine: 42:34

Mm hmm. Well, here's the thing too, because again, I know a lot of folks who listen to your podcast are caregivers, and that's why I kind of made the statement you have been tremendous with not getting frustrated with Zetty. I'ma say it like this straight up most everybody ain't able, everybody's capacity or ability to deal with that deterioration is very different. Like even my mother, you know, a mother's phenomenal nurse watching her with my grandmother because my grandmother was never diagnosed with ALZ, she had a form of dementia. And my mother, when it got to the end was my grandmother's caregiver for like the last year of her life, because it got too intense for my mother's siblings to be able to care for her. My mother's like, give me my mama, run me my mama you know, my mother was still in the middle of her career. So at the time, my mother siblings are, you know, in the ministry and that sort of thing. So they had more free time to be able to care and they had spouses who could do so. My mother, single mother never married, she had to literally stop working. And her life as yours was, was completely altered. When she became a caregiver for my grandmother. The difference is it was her and only her so the 24 hour, seven day a week, you know, and my grandmother was the same like you said your grandfather, the sweetest, my grandmother was sweet as pie. Sop it with a biscuit syrup sweet.

J Smiles: 43:56

Right

Christine: 43:57

And I never forget this. Oh my God, we came home because we moved to Atlanta. So we will go back to Michigan and visit the girls brought home a friend from Atlanta and my grandmother lost it. The girl was in sixth grade Janay. She was in sixth grade

J Smiles: 44:12

Grandmama wasn't having it

Christine: 44:14

Grandmam was like who is this? My mother was so upset with my grandmother. Now she knew that my grandmother was not able to discern but my mother's like this is a child you know, so she was so the ability at the time to process this. And she you know, she didn't do anything didn't talk crazy to my grandmother. But she was so angry that she and she would be like mom, it's okay. The processing of this is not my mother that I grew up with. And I knew my whole life happens after the incident occurs.

J Smiles: 44:44

Right

Christine: 44:44

Not during so the emotional part of seeing her go off on a child came out before the recognition of this is not my mother and this is not her fault. This is the disease speaking so tough. Yeah, caregivers to hear especially When is around the clock? You know it is that like I said, that's where I have to commend you is your level of patience. If there's a word I had to describe your care and concern for your mother over the last eight to nine years is been protective because at the end of the day, that's what it's been. It's a doctor or a caregiver, a visitor. It's protective because what you have been very conscious of is what sets her off. What puts her in an uncomfortable position. What makes her super confused, just what doesn't go well with her, your level of attentiveness, everybody aint able with that.

J Smiles: 45:36

Absolutely.

Christine: 45:37

You're to be commended for that.

J Smiles: 45:39

Thank you so much.

Christine: 45:40

It is tremendous.

J Smiles: 45:41

My motto. My motto is the house is Disneyland for Zetty candy cane, and gumdrops. My mama should think, should think she's a Disney World.

Christine: 45:53

Right

J Smiles: 45:54

Ain't nobody unhappy at Disneyworld. Like who's been at night, not when you in there. Now you might be real unhappy when you get to the parking lot and realize how much money you spent, or how far you got to walk to your car when you get off the little tram thing. But anyway, that's the point. And but thank you, I appreciate your acknowledgement. Because you have been up close and personal. You know me very well. Another thing is, I know you wouldn't be blowing smoke up my butt on and not ever and definitely not on the podcast.

Christine: 46:20

I would be like you are tripping what are you doing?

J Smiles: 46:23

Also that part, also that part.I'm gonna say something I want to add a piece on what I know I am so grateful for that has come out of this time as a caregiver, is the tremendous intimate one on one time with my mother.

Christine: 46:42

Yep

J Smiles: 46:42

My mom has always been so driven professionally, while I always felt very close to her. I never felt like she didn't prioritize me. However when I was good, she was like baby you good because if you good mama's about to go try to eradicate this these wrongs and social ills in society. Right. You go ahead you good and so.

Christine: 47:04

You're going to Bali? All right.

J Smiles: 47:05

Right. And I was such a citizen of the world

Christine: 47:08

Carefree.

J Smiles: 47:09

That's right. I was carefree. We communicated all the time. She absolutely knew kind of where my heart was. My mind was what my vision was for for the life ,but we didn't have to have tons of just one on one time watching TV together, reading a magazine togethe,r sharing a hamburger. Since she got diagnosed we've lived together

Christine: 47:32

Yep

J Smiles: 47:33

And the amount of times that we have taken naps on the sofa or we are laughing at oh my goodness this Steve Harvey

Christine: 47:40

Okay you said you're gonna stop and let me jump in because I

J Smiles: 47:42

Oh wow, thats it

Christine: 47:44

No cuz I was going to be my example. No my examples getting ready to be the number of times that you have now slept into bed with your mother are uncountable at this point, the number of times that you have sat and held hands and rubbed backs and

J Smiles: 48:03

Me and Zetty go together

Christine: 48:04

What shoot like you said same thing with my mother. I mean super close. That's not the thing but that level of mother daughter intimacy that you experience when you're both living lives is very different from when you become a caregiver or vice versa. When you were sick, you can think of how your mother care for you when you were sick. So your mom is there she's hugging on you loving on you in the bed holding. Yeah, but this has been eight years of hugging holding the you caring for your mom. So it wasn't a temporary illness. The level of mother daughter intimacy has exponentially grown pre ALZ Janay when you graduated from college, I'm living in a condo here you can make a room for me, but I'm just telling you I'm not gonna be there a lot. Thank you for including me in the houses that you guys choose to buy later, but I'm good over here with my space and now your room is Zetty's room.

J Smiles: 48:59

It is

Christine: 49:00

That has absolutely changed the individual to me and my son. No, no, it's all over. But that's a it's a good thing and this is where I come back to you know that her spirit still knows that. If there's nobody else in the world that she knows when because there are there is nobody else in the world that she knows who she still knows is JG.

J Smiles: 49:25

Yes

Christine: 49:25

She knows her baby I don't you walk in that room hi JG

J Smiles: 49:29

Yes she says me by name.

Christine: 49:32

She knows you she knows who you are your smell your touch. Know we have you know for listeners who don't know they're you know a few friends who come in are supportive of J our joke is she can smell you. You know janella says she okay she can smell you you've gone too far. hold off. And I have prayed god no matter what, please let Zetty recognize J because I don't really know what that would look like for you.

J Smiles: 49:59

Agreed

Christine: 49:59

Our level of support would have to change tremendously at that point correct for you because I don't know how mentally that goes down.

J Smiles: 50:06

She knows her baby. And that matters to me so much.

Christine: 50:12

Oh, yes.

J Smiles: 50:13

The moments are very unpredictable. Oh, yeah. But there are moments they're normally random and late at night. You know my mother is the classic night owl absolutely class night owl still. She's been a night owl her entire life. My grandmother, her mother often said, even as a infant, pre toddler, whatever that age is. I didn't have kids.

Christine: 50:35

Hey, y'all get up because,

J Smiles: 50:37

Right she was up in her crib just playing with her toes with nothing to do not even mad about it. And you know, when she was working, my mom pretty much slept from like 4am to 9am then she was back at it like about five hours at night. Now, if you know if I'm getting her ready for bed, or even if there's a caregiver here, and I go in her room to say goodnight or what have you. There's a time when she'll just hold my hand or she'll just hug me and just say how much she loves me and she'll repeat it. But it's the way she repeats it. How she says it. How she says JG I just love you. Love you Love you. Mama loves you so much. Mama loves you so much.

Christine: 51:22

Now, next time, I need you to record that and I've gone how your phones you can just have it all right. Okay.

J Smiles: 51:28

Yeah, yeah that's right. I have recorded quite a

Christine: 51:28

Right few but you can't get too many of those. Right? I agree with

J Smiles: 51:31

Can't nobody to tell me like as long as she's you completely. And so but to have those moments, especially now when I know that the vast majority of her memory is not working properly. But to know that that is working gives me energy not even about hope. My hope is that I'm keep pushing for a cure. breathing, then the cure could change her fix? Um, I don't know. You can't tell me I can't cuz you don't really know what it's going to do.

Christine: 52:02

It's gonna reverse it. We going to come up with something. We all hating on it.

J Smiles: 52:06

That's absolutely

Christine: 52:07

yeah

J Smiles: 52:07

She deserved it, she deserves you know, to be able to go out on her own terms, being able to communicate at a minimum what she's feeling and what she's thinking. I am grateful that okay, I'm not grateful for the disease. Let me be very clear, not about that. But a secondary aspect of the disease has been it forced my mother's life to come to a complete stop. And it forced me to slow down enough that we are always on the same page. We are always on the same lane facing each other. And

Christine: 52:34

Absolutely for whatever amount of time that the divine power allows it that will create memories and experiences that will carry me the rest of my life and i know it. I think probably I started praying the hardest you have one episode of what it was like for your mom not to know who you were you guys went to a doctor's visit, just like most of the visits, you know, asking different questions and he said Who is that and normally she says JG and she was like that oh that who you know how she does when she's trying to? That's um, that you mean who was that right there? That's when she didn't say J, oh my God, when you called us after that doctor's visit I said oh, Lord, okay. I think we probably came over immediately probably after, right the visit, but just that glimpse of she might not be familiar with who you are who I'm like, Lord, please, as long as possible, because that shook you to like another level.

J Smiles: 53:33

It did. I remember it. A confusing thing is sometimes as her primary caregiver as her daughter and as a believer.

Christine: 53:43

Mm hmm

J Smiles: 53:43

What to pray for? Is I want her Okay, if I could have it my way. First of all, we wake up tomorrow with a miracle and then there be no, my price she regular. That's my that's my first want. My second one is we just died the same day, some kind of way. Well, I don't know how old we are, but we just died. Say that. I'm gonna say it. Maybe I'm old and she old, like I'm saying we both old, I'm 85 and she's 105. You know what I mean? I'm just saying, and we just died at the same time, some kind of way. We might not even be in the same room. I'm in New York. She's in Atlanta, and we just died the same time. You know, it's kinda like the notebook. We just go out into smoke. And then I get back a little bit to reality as a believer, a caregiver and her daughter and trying to not be selfish then what really is the prayer, right? What is the authentic pure Agape prayer? Start off with what is God's will but I ain't gonna lie. I don't always stay in that lane. I'm like, Listen, God, first of all, your will was for her to have Alzheimer's and dude, we will have to have a conversation about that? I don't even know why that was your will. But whatever. Since we're here, since we're at the Alzheimer's up next, right after this commercial. There's come back talk about this. So then I'm like, okay, but since we're here, I don't really want her to get all the way to the she can't blink, she can't walk right, she can't talk, she can't eat; feeding tube. That's too much. But then I ain't trying to have her leave so soon. It's a very confusing state to have.

Christine: 55:15

I think the prayer word you use is Agape, right? Because what you have for your mother is that Agape love, it s the unselfish love for you mother. And I think the pra

J Smiles: 55:25

And she's like ahhhh, ahhhh. Wait, wait, y'all. I er becomes not only his will but God minimize any suffering. Bec use however long she's here and not here for you to have to end re what you would view or wha would be visually able to be een as suffering, I think wou d probably be more det imental to you than any hing. You can't take it when she gets her blood drawn as true at he hospital. gotta admit, she's not even exaggerating when they're just trying to take my mama's blood.

Christine: 56:00

Your level of anxiety is on 12.

J Smiles: 56:04

Zetty starts screaming when she see the needle, y'all sometimes they ain't even touched her yet. She's screaming I'm asking for the head phlebotomist.Ah, no, Ah, no. Ah.

Christine: 56:18

And your hair is standing on your head.

J Smiles: 56:21

Yeah

Christine: 56:22

As soon as she starts verbalizing her level of this is can we cuss on the podcast? Yeah, this is some bullshit you what you what are you going to do with that? That's, that's what she really want to say. And your level of anxiety to know that she's experiencing either that pain or uncomfortableness is out of control. So I come back to your prayer being ultimately, if it means shortening her life or whatever, I know that what you don't want is for your mom to suffer.

J Smiles: 56:52

That's 100 period, I will get over I don't want to suffer. That is one that has helped me so much to my dad's abrupt death was he didn't suffer every bit. And he went out on his own terms the way he wanted to. And that helps me in moments of despair. I don't want my momsuffering, 100 percent. So I got something else for you.

Christine: 57:13

Okay, I hope I'm not talking too long or over talking.

J Smiles: 57:17

Ehhh podcast.

Christine: 57:18

Okay. All right.

J Smiles: 57:19

Yeah, there are no rules.

Christine: 57:19

We hope you all are enjoying.

J Smiles: 57:21

Yeah. And you know, that's the beauty of podcasts. Because they could just press stop. Right. Yeah, you could totally press stop. They total autonomy. We won't know if they press stop or not. They don't have to worry about it's not like in a live performance. You don't see the people get up from the front row and walk out in the middle of your encore song. You're like, are you serious right now? This is my, this is my. What I want to ask you. This is what you would give as advice. I want to put

Christine: 57:53

Okay context around it. I want to start off by giving the deepest, most heartfelt gratitude. I can't I'm trying not to cry and get too emotional. Because there's too much there's too much don't nobody need all that. Nobody needs all that into say, I couldn't have written a better story as a supportive individual in my life in the care of my mom in you. Okay, I'm gonna say no more because I get too much. Okay.

J Smiles: 58:24

All right, boom. So that's done. Okay. So I would like for you to share bits of advice or friends of caregivers, what would you tell friends of caregivers. So these are individuals who have never been caregivers?

Christine: 58:38

Because I have never been.

J Smiles: 58:39

I know.

Christine: 58:40

Unless you consider as sombody's mama

J Smiles: 58:43

Well, I mean, okay, well. So right. That's it. You know what? J Smiles approved joke. J Smiles, hold on. Wait,

Christine: 58:56

Is the mother a caregiver?

J Smiles: 59:02

Yes. Chris supports J. Right. What would you tell the Chris's of the world?

Christine: 59:08

In terms of supporting their friends?

J Smiles: 59:10

Yeah. How do you support your friend as a kid? What are some do's and don'ts?

Christine: 59:14

So I think the first thing in terms of supporting your friend is somebody that's super duper close to you, like you are to me, we would call each other sisters. Right? Your mom thinks of you as a daughter. I mean, you're my mom thinks of you as a daughter. Yes.

J Smiles: 59:29

I certainly hope my motehr thinks of me as a daughter. But you know what, listen at this point right now. Ewww, J Smiles that was awful.

Christine: 59:39

Yes. So no, my mom thinks of you as a daughter and vice versa. Let the relationship dictate. And this is what I mean. Whatever you ask me. I attempt to do it because I know that you need it. And again, I don't want anybody to think that means I'm running to go do this or no, no, it means I just need you to come over and be be what, just be here. Whatever happens while I'm here, I'm sitting with Zetty holding her hand while you're finishing working. That means we just sitting there watching a movie and having a drink. That means allowing you to express how much this is some bullshit that it is and pain. And that's what I mean by it's maybe the closest doesn't need to dictate that but allow the person to we tend to overdo things right? I'm coming over, I'm gonna be there for you. But this is you need you need this. And no, sometimes let the person tell you what they need. I pay very close attention to you. Why me I pay close attention to all of my friends, but in watching you through this process.

J Smiles: 1:00:39

Okay, hold on. It's not about your friends. It is about me right now. Thanks.

Christine: 1:00:42

I'm sorry, let me retract that statement. Do we have a reverse button? No. Okay.

J Smiles: 1:00:46

I don't know. I don't know nothing about that. But I'm not. I'm not really an audio engineer.

Christine: 1:00:52

But no, but I pay close attention to when things get too heavy. I'll give everybody an example. During COVID This has been a different experience for you. And we've talked about that, you know, your normal outlets of I'm going to go do yoga, I'm gonna go take a swim, I'm gonna go on a two day trip for meditation and come back. Those things are not available to you now I've been aware of that what I would normally offer it in terms of how I would support you has been very different because what we're able to do in this time of COVID is very different. You can't go anywhere. So it's like okay, well look bitch how are you getting ready to do a vacation at home? How you doing the staycation in the house with Jeanette to make her decompress? Because that's real sometimes it may just be I'm coming over you go do whatever you want to do. You don't i don't even have to be with you. I'm gonna come and sit with your mom you go just go just get out of the house. Just be just go be somewhere. Third thing I would say is the best that you can provide, laughter I think the only thing that has gotten us through seriously is the amount of laughter that we're able to have through this for me laugh is healing it's food for my soul. And as much as I can get you to laugh and you know you're a comedian right you do this professionally right? So

J Smiles: 1:02:09

I mean

Christine: 1:02:12

You know, we have to be

J Smiles: 1:02:14

That's what it says in the title

Christine: 1:02:15

We have to be on ten with our jokes, you know, to get the comedian to laugh, but no seriously the beam right? Just be with your person, your friend may not even want to leave but just your presence sometimes is a support don't think you have to be doing something to be a support.

J Smiles: 1:02:31

Correct

Christine: 1:02:32

Because we often think of action as support action. I'm doing this I'm doing this. Sometimes you in a way to really do anything, it's okay to be and let the situation dictate the level of support that's needed because sometimes stuff is gonna be super heavy and other days it's gonna be really light.

J Smiles: 1:02:53

That's a word so just be

Christine: 1:02:55

Just be

J Smiles: 1:02:55

From care free to caregiver

Christine: 1:02:57

I'm care free to care giver

J Smiles: 1:03:00

And for the friends. Just be I think that's it. I don't really know what else to do with this. I feel like that's a bow on this mug. Wrapped up tight. I want to say thank you so very much for being a guest on my podcast.

Christine: 1:03:19

I'm so excited

J Smiles: 1:03:20

for being a part of my life and every Dipsy Doodle, whoopsy, waddle. Ah,portion of it. I'm grateful. And if Zetty we're here right now, I know she would give you a big old hug a kiss

Christine: 1:03:35

She sure would

J Smiles: 1:03:36

And she would say how thankful she was to you for supporting us so intensely, and so unconditionally, say all the time. I'm just saying not on the mic.

Christine: 1:03:49

I'm talking on the mic. No, yeah, she would be like, thank you. It would be so heartfelt. She I know. She'll be squeezing you too while she was thanking you. Just thank you. Yeah, no question. Yeah, but no, thank you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey. I couldn't have imagined not being there. Like if you would have been like, yeah, I'm really used to come over. Excuse me. Oh, thank you for trusting, right, because that's really what this boils down to. Thank you for trusting me with your mom and your sensitivity of this situation because it's tough. Thank you for allowing me to be you know, one of your support systems.

J Smiles: 1:04:32

You're welcome.

Christine: 1:04:32

I'm honored.

J Smiles: 1:04:33

Thank you, my sister for holding the door. For holding the door, who knew what that would mean.

Christine: 1:04:39

What?

J Smiles: 1:04:43

The snuggle up number one caregivers identify your crew who are the people who add value to your life as a caregiver. Who helps you during the stressful times, who helps you reboot who helps you calm down. It may not be your best friend, it may not be your spouse. Number two, there is the pre caregiver version of you. There were things that you used to be good at that you're no longer good at. Maybe you don't have time to do those things anymore. Maybe you've lost interest. It's okay let that go. Don't dwell in the past. Let's live in the present. What are the things that you do now that you enjoy that are positive? What as a caregiver have you come to appreciate? If you're not sure what it is? Ask someone in your crewthat supports you as a caregiver ask what they've noticed that you've become better at, what you have to become more well rounded in you might be surprised. That's it for now. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe for continuous caregiving tips, tricks, trends, and truth, Pretty Pretty please with sugar on top share and review it too. I'm a comedian, Alzheimer's but we ain't got to be