June 6, 2025

Detroit Caregiver Chronicles

Detroit Caregiver Chronicles
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Season 6

Parenting Up family, we are excited to bring you a new 3-part series in partnership with Wayne State University's AGReed grant!

In this episode, Detroit caregivers speak with J Smiles about their experiences as caregivers for their loved ones with dementia. They discuss the physical demands, logistics, and emotional stress while also offering self-care strategies to prevent burnout.

As always, caregivers also spoke about funny moments with their loved ones that provide levity during the tough times of dealing with this horrible disease.

To learn more about Wayne State's AGReed Grant - visit agreed.wayne.edu!


Host: J Smiles

Producer: Mia Hall

editor: Annelise Udoye

Video and Studio: Evry Media Detroit

Support the show

" Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
IG: https://www.instagram.com/parentingup
FB: https://www.facebook.com/parentingup
YT: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDGFb1t2RC_m1yMnFJ2T4jw
Patreon: https://patreon.com/jsmilesstudios
TEXT 'PODCAST" to +1 404 737 1449 - to give J topic ideas, feedback, say hi!
Be sure to leave us a review!

00:00 - Welcome to Season Six

03:39 - Detroit Tour Kickoff

04:49 - Caregivers Share Their Stories

14:15 - Early Signs and Trigger Points

29:30 - Finding Support Systems

37:18 - Humor in the Caregiving Journey

44:06 - Final Thoughts and Community

WEBVTT

00:00:00.179 --> 00:00:00.641
What's up?

00:00:00.641 --> 00:00:01.943
Parents and our family?

00:00:01.943 --> 00:00:03.806
I cannot believe it.

00:00:03.806 --> 00:00:06.350
Welcome to season six.

00:00:06.350 --> 00:00:09.240
Yeah, we made it six years.

00:00:09.240 --> 00:00:15.381
I didn't do something so crazy that they cut it off, that they killed me or that they found me dead.

00:00:15.381 --> 00:00:20.812
Thank you for supporting us, thank you for loving us, thank you for making us go global.

00:00:20.812 --> 00:00:21.641
That is right.

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We are global, but not the pandemic.

00:00:24.268 --> 00:00:28.205
Okay, we're the kind of virus that can't kill you but helps you love other people.

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Better, better, better.

00:00:29.690 --> 00:00:32.179
And this episode right here.

00:00:32.179 --> 00:00:35.003
What we doing right here right now?

00:00:35.003 --> 00:00:39.170
We in Detroit, detroit.

00:00:39.170 --> 00:00:44.762
This is our first tour and it's happening in Detroit.

00:00:44.762 --> 00:00:45.783
Okay, we'd like to have a three part series, but this is the first tour and it's happening in Detroit.

00:00:45.783 --> 00:00:49.287
Okay, we'd like to have a three-part series, but this is the first episode.

00:00:49.307 --> 00:00:51.332
So you just get ready, baby.

00:00:51.332 --> 00:00:55.448
You know how they do it up here what up, though, what up, though?

00:00:55.448 --> 00:00:58.630
And to make it even better, can it get better?

00:00:58.630 --> 00:01:01.185
This is actually today.

00:01:01.185 --> 00:01:06.626
Today, while we're filming, right now, it is really for real.

00:01:06.626 --> 00:01:07.691
Katie can make this up.

00:01:07.691 --> 00:01:09.430
It's our fifth anniversary.

00:01:09.430 --> 00:01:10.278
It is baby.

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This is the day that Parenting Up was born, and this is the day that we are bringing you the fire that you try to find it Woo.

00:01:23.591 --> 00:01:27.617
So wherever you're listening, wherever you watching, just get ready, baby.

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Sit down, drink something, sip on something, eat on something.

00:01:33.063 --> 00:01:33.647
But be safe.

00:01:33.647 --> 00:01:45.027
And he called me very upset and he says you need to come down here and see about your mom Because you know she was threatening to unalive him and a lot of things.

00:01:45.027 --> 00:01:45.950
Right, that's the word.

00:01:46.540 --> 00:01:49.742
Unalive is the word, but y'all know she can't say it.

00:01:49.742 --> 00:01:50.626
But I can say it.

00:01:50.626 --> 00:01:51.769
She was going to kill him.

00:01:52.379 --> 00:01:58.790
There are about 7 million people with dementia and about 5% of them they get at the younger age.

00:01:59.340 --> 00:02:09.394
Having this conversation with you all, it seems to be a major commonality is Parenting up.

00:02:09.394 --> 00:02:16.913
Caregiving Adventures with comedian Jay Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama.

00:02:16.913 --> 00:02:24.614
For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat.

00:02:24.614 --> 00:02:26.905
Spoiler alert this shit is heavy.

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That's why I started doing comedy.

00:02:28.207 --> 00:02:29.391
So be ready for the jokes.

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Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.

00:02:35.473 --> 00:02:37.543
Hi, this is Lady.

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I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast.

00:02:39.426 --> 00:02:40.229
Is that okay?

00:02:40.229 --> 00:02:44.241
My daughter's podcast Is that okay?

00:02:44.241 --> 00:02:50.688
What's up Parents and Up family?

00:02:50.688 --> 00:02:53.573
My goodness, I could not be more excited.

00:02:53.573 --> 00:02:55.854
We are here in Detroit.

00:02:55.854 --> 00:03:12.931
It's our Detroit tour, specializing in everything we need to tackle Alzheimer's, dementia and focus on caregivers.

00:03:12.931 --> 00:03:15.879
Y'all know, as soon as they asked to do that, I was quick, fast and in a hurry flying to Detroit City.

00:03:15.879 --> 00:03:17.824
That's the way my granddaddy used to say it.

00:03:18.205 --> 00:03:23.004
This is episode one in a three-part series, so let's just get right to it.

00:03:23.004 --> 00:03:23.908
Let's get right to it.

00:03:23.908 --> 00:03:28.264
I got some fantastic caregivers with me right here.

00:03:28.264 --> 00:03:53.288
I ain't gonna make it too formal, because y'all know we like to just sit around chit-chat and make it happen, but Casey, denisha, roger and Katrina are going to give you their stories about how caregiving became the most important journey in their life.

00:03:53.288 --> 00:03:54.528
What up, y'all?

00:03:54.528 --> 00:03:55.409
I appreciate it.

00:03:55.409 --> 00:04:03.627
Since you gave me what up, though, I want to hear from you first, denisha, how about that?

00:04:03.627 --> 00:04:05.832
Okay, okay, you're a caregiver.

00:04:05.832 --> 00:04:07.926
Who have you cared for?

00:04:08.740 --> 00:04:10.807
Currently I'm caring for my dad.

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He has dementia he was diagnosed last year.

00:04:14.967 --> 00:04:19.791
Okay, but when you say caregiver, it's a variety.

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So I'm also a single mom.

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My son is 11.

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And it's me, him and my dad, in my house right now.

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So you're that sandwich generation.

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You are the epitome of the sandwich generation.

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Yes, you know, you got the younger person and then you have the older person and you right there in the middle.

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Yes, I often think that maybe we should be called like the meat generation, because the sandwich makers sound like we the bread.

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That's not the case.

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We getting squoze.

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But anyway, are we the squoze generation?

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I don't know who came up with that.

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I feel squoze sometimes.

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What type of?

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dementia was your dad diagnosed with?

00:04:57.939 --> 00:05:02.271
So he doesn't have a formal diagnosis just yet.

00:05:02.271 --> 00:05:08.112
I've been in the process of getting all of those documents in order.

00:05:08.112 --> 00:05:27.283
I would just say it's pretty much the early stage Okay, because my dad can remember who I am, who my son is, different time scenarios, maybe things that happened years ago, some things that happened recently.

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He forgets.

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Some stuff that happened years ago he forgets.

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So it's kind of hard to explain his level.

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But he's functional.

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He does everything for himself.

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He just needs reminders, gotcha.

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Roger, Come on man.

00:05:47.579 --> 00:05:54.182
Currently I'm caring for my mother Previously it was my brother and my mother.

00:05:54.182 --> 00:05:59.593
She's been diagnosed with two types of dementia.

00:05:59.593 --> 00:06:01.702
Really Two types of dementia.

00:06:01.742 --> 00:06:16.375
Yeah, she has Alzheimer's and she has vascular dementia, and did they give both diagnoses at the same time, or did one come way before the other one?

00:06:16.540 --> 00:06:24.050
Well, they did too, but she misdiagnosed one of them so I had to go back and get it, see what it really was.

00:06:24.050 --> 00:06:37.309
And she had misdiagnosed it with frontotemporal and frontotemporal is acting out, lashing out, cussing and all that kind of stuff, and my mother don't do all that Found out that it was Alzheimer's.

00:06:37.309 --> 00:06:44.432
So she has the vascular which you know comes with the many strokes in the brain and all that type of stuff.

00:06:44.432 --> 00:06:51.267
So she has yes, so she has double dementia and I've been caring for her for the last 12 years.

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Whoa, I'm in 13.

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By myself.

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By yourself.

00:06:56.927 --> 00:07:02.411
Yeah, I'm an only child, so it's funny how that happens.

00:07:02.411 --> 00:07:07.190
Now, everybody was easy to ask my mama for stuff.

00:07:07.190 --> 00:07:10.658
Everybody was easy to need something.

00:07:11.259 --> 00:07:12.382
Need a little help with their car.

00:07:12.382 --> 00:07:16.745
No college tuition, baby pampers they're the same people.

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I can't find them nowhere now.

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Anyway.

00:07:19.869 --> 00:07:21.422
But about you, Roger?

00:07:21.422 --> 00:07:24.005
I have a question around.

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What made you or anyone else in your family know, hey, this diagnosis doesn't feel right, Because that is, a lot of people don't even know about dementia.

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But something within you or your instinct said, hey, this diagnosis ain't right, Like what made you think that or do something about it.

00:07:44.201 --> 00:07:49.427
Well, me and my mother have been super close since I was a young girl I'm the oldest, but me and her have been, you know.

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So I would always go over there every day, just, you know, hang with her or see about her, whatever, not that she was sick, we just liked that.

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And as I would go over to the house, I started noticing that, you know, things was changing.

00:08:02.124 --> 00:08:07.367
My sister and brother were staying with her, but you know they're like, well, this is happening and she wouldn't.

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Some bills was coming that wasn't getting paid, or this was happening that wasn't taken care of.

00:08:12.732 --> 00:08:23.983
And I'm like, you know well what's going on, because my mom, I've always been the business person, because her and her husband have owned several businesses in Detroit, so I know she's a business person.

00:08:23.983 --> 00:08:32.653
And then I just started taking her to the doctor and from that point I just was taking her to everything, every kind of doctor for her.

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When we got to the neurological doctor, that's when we came up with the dementia and I found out about that.

00:08:41.561 --> 00:08:43.966
What made you push them to say this?

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One ain't right to make them change the diagnosis.

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Because she wasn't.

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She wasn't taking care of business.

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When I come over there, like I said, I just wasn't taking care of business.

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Mail coming in, you're not opening the mail, this going on, this just ain't right.

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Then when they came out talking about the house and my sister and brother, they said they coming out about the house.

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I'm like, and my sister and brother they said they're coming out about the house, I'm like, well, y'all live there.

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So I had to come over there and see what's going on about the house, because I know that they own the house, you know.

00:09:22.731 --> 00:09:32.764
And then from that point on I just started getting into really taking to doctors, getting into classes, getting into education and stuff and find out what's going on with my mom.

00:09:33.446 --> 00:09:35.831
Oh, my goodness, Wow, oh my goodness.

00:09:35.831 --> 00:09:39.203
That wow takes it right on to you.

00:09:39.203 --> 00:09:43.572
I take that wow as what you got going on over there.

00:09:43.572 --> 00:09:46.788
Katrina, who are you caring for or have cared for, your mom?

00:09:47.269 --> 00:09:52.008
Yeah, a lot of others in the past, but most recent since 21,.

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A mom.

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Okay, what's her diagnosis?

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Dementia.

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She was in the beginning doing all the.

00:10:00.565 --> 00:10:05.414
She had all the aggression acting out, cussing, violent fighting.

00:10:05.414 --> 00:10:07.826
It was a lot.

00:10:07.826 --> 00:10:11.383
It started.

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She resided in Tennessee, so when I would talk to her she sounded different and when we would FaceTime she had this glossy type of look and like she was looking to see if she really knew me.

00:10:28.192 --> 00:10:30.486
She looked, she was just looking at me different.

00:10:30.508 --> 00:10:31.129
OK.

00:10:32.140 --> 00:10:41.014
And over time her husband would call me and say your mom, she, she's acting different.

00:10:41.014 --> 00:10:43.268
She's in the room, she won't come out.

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She keeps saying I'm stealing from her, I'm stealing her money, or I took her wallet or her keys and she thinks I'm trying to hurt her and I would talk to her, and none of those things.

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She don't remember it.

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It never happened.

00:11:00.094 --> 00:11:03.967
So time went on and he said you know, he called me one day.

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He was crying.

00:11:04.629 --> 00:11:09.250
They're of age, they're both at this time, over 65.

00:11:09.250 --> 00:11:10.625
And he's like 70-ish.

00:11:10.625 --> 00:11:22.432
And he called me very upset and he says you need to come down here and see about your mom, because you know she was threatening to unalive him and a lot of things.

00:11:22.432 --> 00:11:23.354
Right, that's the word.

00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:27.289
Unalive is the word, but y'all know she can't say it.

00:11:27.289 --> 00:11:29.306
But I can say she was going to kill him.

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Kill him dead.

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That's not good.

00:11:32.899 --> 00:11:34.592
Nobody wants to be told that to their face.

00:11:35.458 --> 00:11:37.765
Well, she was trying, based on what he was saying.

00:11:37.765 --> 00:11:39.530
So it was it got bad.

00:11:39.530 --> 00:11:53.831
So when we brought her up here, long story short, my sister had power of attorney because I was still in corporate working and when I would go and visit her she put her in a nursing home.

00:11:53.831 --> 00:12:09.585
And when I would go and visit her she was just look like she just was giving up, wasn't thriving, and so, after having a conversation with my husband, we decided that we would bring her home with us.

00:12:09.585 --> 00:12:09.985
So I left corporate.

00:12:10.005 --> 00:12:33.740
Once I got her under my roof I was able to see really what was going on with her, and that's when I got all the aggression to the hallucinations, the wandering through the night trying to get out, unlock the doors, calling different members in my family saying that you know I killed the person there in the basement.

00:12:33.740 --> 00:12:36.288
It was just a lot of confusion.

00:12:36.288 --> 00:12:50.890
So what ended up happening was she was on a lot of different psychotropics from the nursing home, so they had her on over 15 medications what?

00:12:50.890 --> 00:12:54.609
And they were very contradictory to one another.

00:12:54.609 --> 00:12:56.561
Very it was horrible.

00:12:56.561 --> 00:13:09.206
So I have a background in holistic foods and herbs and things and so I knew to start juicing for her three, four times a day.

00:13:09.206 --> 00:13:10.929
It was a lot.

00:13:10.929 --> 00:13:13.413
That's very overwhelming.

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No support, no help Again.

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My sister she was just never came back to see about her to this day.

00:13:21.793 --> 00:13:24.619
So it was a lot.

00:13:24.619 --> 00:13:36.020
But you know, thankful by the grace of God, I was able to get her off of those meds and get her down to now just the three free blood pressure vitamin D and statin.

00:13:36.965 --> 00:13:39.774
So that don't even count in comparison to what you said.

00:13:39.774 --> 00:13:44.167
I would like to just go ahead and say congratulations, because you pretty much have our own water pills.

00:13:44.167 --> 00:13:46.967
Now I'm also a comedian and I know that's more than water pills.

00:13:46.967 --> 00:13:59.695
However, in comparison to what you said, I mean you like cleansed her whole system, it sounds like, and got her on some very foundational medications, and that is major.

00:14:00.034 --> 00:14:01.035
That was the fight, though.

00:14:01.035 --> 00:14:06.077
That was really the fight to really have her off the sugar.

00:14:06.077 --> 00:14:13.542
You know she would tell me well, my doctor told me to eat sugar, I need sugar for my hypoglycemia and I'm like no doctor would tell you.

00:14:13.542 --> 00:14:20.626
It was a fight, it was really a struggle, but I am thankful by the grace of God.

00:14:20.626 --> 00:14:28.399
So here today to help with the aggression, I did have to get her on a medication for that.

00:14:28.399 --> 00:14:30.653
So today she's calmer.

00:14:30.653 --> 00:14:32.673
You know, she doesn't remember.

00:14:32.673 --> 00:14:34.551
It's a short term memory.

00:14:34.551 --> 00:14:42.313
She reminisce so she can remember things from the past, but as of today she's doing a lot better.

00:14:43.846 --> 00:14:46.472
What form of dementia did they ever give her?

00:14:46.493 --> 00:14:47.836
a specific, one, or was it just a?

00:14:47.876 --> 00:14:50.211
generic the umbrella of dementia.

00:14:53.509 --> 00:14:55.193
It's 50 different types of dementia.

00:14:55.214 --> 00:14:55.715
Maybe more.

00:14:55.735 --> 00:15:01.518
yeah, that's why you have to know what dementia they have, so you'll know how to handle it and take care of it.

00:15:02.206 --> 00:15:08.759
We are still figuring out so much about this dreadful umbrella of dementia and all the things that fall from up under it.

00:15:08.759 --> 00:15:12.975
Thank you all so much really for sharing.

00:15:12.975 --> 00:15:18.738
I know my own journey and just in each time I have to share it and I choose to share it.

00:15:18.738 --> 00:15:32.760
But it's still a bit of reliving it and I see it in each of your eyes and I'm feeling it in the pit of my stomach because, even though I haven't said my story out loud to you right now on this sofa, it's making me think about my story and when it happened.

00:15:32.760 --> 00:15:53.236
And so just thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story, because it does help other people know that what they're experiencing right now they're not alone, and the way they feel they are not totally losing their mind, it's okay to feel.

00:15:53.236 --> 00:16:00.412
The way they're feeling or the way their family members are responding might be more typical than they think.

00:16:00.412 --> 00:16:09.250
If they are handling a lot of loan and they thought they were about to have a whole army helping them out, okay, kc.

00:16:09.410 --> 00:16:09.591
Yep.

00:16:09.591 --> 00:16:18.438
So my story I'm taking care of my wife and she got diagnosed at the younger age, at 59.

00:16:18.438 --> 00:16:25.899
Wow, there are about 7 million people with dementia and about 5% of them they get at the younger age.

00:16:25.899 --> 00:16:32.097
And we are in the 13th year of our journey and she's at home.

00:16:32.097 --> 00:16:34.371
She's under hospice care right now.

00:16:34.371 --> 00:16:44.307
I do have a caregiver in the morning, caregiver in the evening, so I do find some time for my own self-care, for example, coming here.

00:16:44.307 --> 00:16:48.275
I consider it as a self-care trying to be.

00:16:48.736 --> 00:16:49.256
One moment.

00:16:49.256 --> 00:17:02.200
Y'all hear that he considers this with us as self-care and, on behalf of Dr McNeil-Wayne State and the Agreed Grant and the Parenting Up community worldwide, thank you.

00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:07.240
I don't know if I've ever been told I was a part of somebody's self-care routine.

00:17:07.240 --> 00:17:08.285
Yes, that makes me sad.

00:17:08.305 --> 00:17:23.478
So whenever I get time away from her active caregiving, I consider it as my self-care, because I'm doing something different from caregiving at that point and my goal in life is to be an advocate for this disease.

00:17:23.478 --> 00:17:27.477
And whenever I get an opportunity I would like an advocate for this disease and whenever I get an opportunity I would like to speak about this disease.

00:17:27.477 --> 00:17:32.833
So in my wife's case and many dementia you ask other people what type of dementia.

00:17:32.833 --> 00:17:53.364
So she has classical Alzheimer's and once she was diagnosed I did not go into more knowing about the more disease and I don't even take any images or any MRI since then because, being an engineer, if I cannot act upon the solution, why get the data right?

00:17:53.423 --> 00:17:55.167
I understand yeah, so the data is.

00:17:55.167 --> 00:17:56.932
You know you can do something with the data.

00:17:56.932 --> 00:17:57.855
If there is no, you know.

00:17:57.855 --> 00:18:14.269
So anyway, I haven't done anything and to me, taking care of her is the primary goal, not knowing what type of disease she has or what type of dementia she has, because all dementia, at the end they all manifest into the one big mess.

00:18:14.651 --> 00:18:15.954
Right, it's a big mess.

00:18:15.954 --> 00:18:16.836
It is a very big mess.

00:18:17.285 --> 00:18:23.230
So you may start with one dementia, second, third, type, fourth but at the end they all become because the whole brain gets affected.

00:18:23.230 --> 00:18:29.617
So I Focus more on the caregiving and to me there are two aspect of caregiving.

00:18:29.617 --> 00:18:34.684
One is my own emotional journey and I've written about it, I've talked about it.

00:18:34.684 --> 00:18:36.710
You know there are many phases.

00:18:36.710 --> 00:18:41.991
The one phase I like to call a simple acronym Sarah s a Ra.

00:18:41.991 --> 00:18:43.599
Okay, people go through shock anger.

00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:44.443
A simple acronym SARA S-A-R-A.

00:18:44.443 --> 00:18:50.858
Okay, people go through shock anger, reflection and acceptance.

00:18:50.858 --> 00:18:54.575
So at the end we all have to come to some level of acceptance.

00:18:54.575 --> 00:18:59.713
And just hearing everybody here and yourself, we all come to some level of acceptance.

00:18:59.713 --> 00:19:00.990
That's why we are here.

00:19:02.065 --> 00:19:18.994
I think in the SARA I had a lot of sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

00:19:18.994 --> 00:19:23.356
It was just shocking yeah.

00:19:23.696 --> 00:19:31.321
So and another point I would like to make it you know whenever loved one has you know before we go for diagnosis.

00:19:31.321 --> 00:19:37.115
There are telltale signs a few years before that and I call minus one, minus two, minus three.

00:19:37.115 --> 00:19:44.759
So in my case, you know, my wife would cook and she would have something more salt or more chili pepper.

00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:46.832
So cooking was not consistent.

00:19:46.832 --> 00:19:50.690
One time she went to LA to see the kids and she missed her flight.

00:19:50.690 --> 00:19:52.632
She went to the wrong gate or something.

00:19:52.632 --> 00:19:56.010
So little things like that happens before you go to the doctor.

00:19:56.010 --> 00:19:59.548
And there is a trigger point In my wife's case.

00:19:59.548 --> 00:20:04.172
She was going to a friend's place for afternoon lunch and she got lost.

00:20:04.172 --> 00:20:05.476
She had been there before.

00:20:05.476 --> 00:20:07.079
She was lost for five hours.

00:20:07.079 --> 00:20:09.930
We could not get in touch with her or anything.

00:20:09.930 --> 00:20:14.491
She came home after five hours and I said this is the time we need to go and see the doctor.

00:20:15.054 --> 00:20:17.022
And that was the trigger point.

00:20:17.042 --> 00:20:19.778
So I think in everybody's life I'm sure there is a trigger point.

00:20:19.778 --> 00:20:21.226
Why would you go and see the doctor?

00:20:21.226 --> 00:20:22.051
So in my case, that was the trigger point.

00:20:22.051 --> 00:20:22.776
So would you go and see the doctor?

00:20:22.776 --> 00:20:24.105
So in my case, that was the trigger point.

00:20:24.105 --> 00:20:32.971
So my point is that, even though we are in the 13th year, there were minus three years before that, so the journey has been there for more than 13 years.

00:20:33.392 --> 00:20:34.074
Understood.

00:20:34.074 --> 00:20:37.249
Understood Is that something that you all can relate to as well.

00:20:37.288 --> 00:20:50.922
Like before the actual diagnosis, looking back on it, can you think of, or maybe other family members or friends may have said well, now that you say your, you know your loved one has been diagnosed.

00:20:50.922 --> 00:20:56.855
I do remember that standing in church, that one time that happened to me and I got to say I was angry.

00:20:56.855 --> 00:21:01.171
I was in the eight when I didn't live.

00:21:01.230 --> 00:21:02.653
I'm originally from Montgomery, alabama.

00:21:02.653 --> 00:21:16.351
My mom was living there and after she was diagnosed, people who worked for her and people in the community are going to come up and they're whispering Well, jay, you know what?

00:21:16.351 --> 00:21:21.136
I didn't want to say anything because I just thought maybe it was me or she was having a bad day.

00:21:21.136 --> 00:21:37.861
But I saw in the drugstore and she didn't have her normal lipstick on, like she had on black a little goth and I thought maybe she was and I was like you know, damn well, my mama wouldn't have on she's 62 years old.

00:21:37.861 --> 00:21:41.248
She wouldn't talk wearing black lipstick like why, didn't you say.

00:21:41.248 --> 00:21:47.759
But you know, but again, and especially Southern politeness or whatever that might be, they didn't say anything.

00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:52.436
But then they said something later to say she wasn't quite acting like herself.

00:21:54.269 --> 00:21:55.494
So you're shaking your head.

00:21:55.494 --> 00:22:02.598
Well, thinking back, just remembering my mom, it wasn't like a progressive situation.

00:22:02.598 --> 00:22:09.596
Hers came from a TBI, so she had two falls which caused her dementia.

00:22:09.596 --> 00:22:11.371
So that's what happened.

00:22:11.371 --> 00:22:13.201
And just remembering it now.

00:22:13.201 --> 00:22:19.317
Yeah, so once she fell when she was in Tennessee, missed a computer chair.

00:22:19.317 --> 00:22:26.358
It rolled from under her, hit her head on the leg of the desk, which was a metal leg.

00:22:26.358 --> 00:22:33.515
The second time Tennessee it don't really snow, but one particular year it had like a light covering.

00:22:33.515 --> 00:22:40.353
They were walking out and she slipped and the first thing that hit the pavement was her head.

00:22:40.353 --> 00:22:44.034
When she came back down and she kept saying it bounced like a ball.

00:22:44.034 --> 00:22:48.731
So that's what caused her dementia, that's amazing.

00:22:49.133 --> 00:22:50.315
Same for my dad.

00:22:50.315 --> 00:23:02.035
I found out just from a few emergency visits that my dad actually must have had a fall as well.

00:23:02.035 --> 00:23:10.075
Talking with my brother, he was like oh, I remember this one time dad called me and told me that he ran into a parked car on his bike.

00:23:10.075 --> 00:23:14.435
I said, oh, okay, I get it.

00:23:14.435 --> 00:23:20.116
So he hit his head and he has fluid on the brain.

00:23:20.116 --> 00:23:31.112
So that's one part of my journey of just trying to figure out exactly where he is and what diagnosis he has.

00:23:31.112 --> 00:23:34.999
But again, that just came from a doctor's visit.

00:23:34.999 --> 00:23:40.115
We went to emergency because he had a seizure and they like what's going on with your dad?

00:23:40.115 --> 00:23:43.348
I'm like, well, I don't know for sure because again, again, he's a male.

00:23:43.348 --> 00:23:57.847
We're going to get into this story about this male, Cause I love my dad, but he's such a male he don't want to tell his business, he want to keep it to himself.

00:23:57.948 --> 00:23:59.871
And I didn't know what I was getting myself into, cause he didn't tell me things.

00:23:59.871 --> 00:24:01.593
So you're like, oh yeah, I've seen this.

00:24:01.593 --> 00:24:02.974
Oh yeah, maybe that.

00:24:02.974 --> 00:24:04.737
But I'm good, I'm fine.

00:24:04.737 --> 00:24:09.573
I'm like okay, rewind, my dad is only 66 years old.

00:24:09.573 --> 00:24:24.047
I say only because he's young, and most of the times when I'm in capacities like this, I'm more of the younger person that's speaking and I'm like this ain't supposed to be me Shock.

00:24:24.267 --> 00:24:24.869
My dad.

00:24:24.869 --> 00:24:37.673
He was just riding his bike to work just a week ago but I got the call from his job that my dad didn't make it to work and I'm like what's going on?

00:24:37.673 --> 00:24:41.365
They're like I don't know he's supposed to be here at nine o'clock.

00:24:41.365 --> 00:24:43.070
Here it is 11, 12 o'clock.

00:24:43.070 --> 00:24:44.684
I'm like, okay, let me go find out.

00:24:44.684 --> 00:24:47.130
My dad the mail.

00:24:47.130 --> 00:24:49.153
I don't have keys to his house.

00:24:49.153 --> 00:24:51.698
Nobody lets me in.

00:24:51.698 --> 00:24:52.759
I'm trying to figure out.

00:24:52.759 --> 00:24:53.507
Hey, what's going on.

00:24:53.527 --> 00:25:05.656
My dad I um, sort of a long story short was able to get into his apartment and my dad was on the bed, oh oh wow, just laying butt naked.

00:25:05.656 --> 00:25:12.296
I got a lot of stories crazy, right, right, okay, water was flowing in the bathtub.

00:25:12.296 --> 00:25:17.634
He didn't even know I was walking over to the bed because EMS is there.

00:25:17.634 --> 00:25:18.595
They didn't go in the room.

00:25:18.595 --> 00:25:19.917
Police was there.

00:25:19.917 --> 00:25:20.679
They ain't go in the room.

00:25:20.679 --> 00:25:23.721
I'm the first person that got to go check my dad.

00:25:23.721 --> 00:25:25.867
Wow, I didn't know what I was checking.

00:25:25.867 --> 00:25:28.414
Was he alive or was he dead?

00:25:28.414 --> 00:25:29.637
I'm checking.

00:25:29.637 --> 00:25:30.809
I'm like, hey dad, hey dad.

00:25:30.809 --> 00:25:34.854
He looked up like huh, like hey, why didn't you go to work?

00:25:34.854 --> 00:25:36.511
He like I don't know.

00:25:36.511 --> 00:25:38.505
He just disoriented.

00:25:38.505 --> 00:25:42.012
So we took him to receiving, had him checked out.

00:25:42.012 --> 00:25:43.536
They like he had a seizure.

00:25:43.536 --> 00:25:44.557
He had a stroke.

00:25:44.557 --> 00:25:55.555
Now they let my dad out by himself at 5 am in the morning, so I lost my dad for 12 hours in the city of Detroit.

00:25:55.996 --> 00:25:56.395
Wow.

00:25:57.077 --> 00:26:00.829
I had to find him, my first missing person report.

00:26:00.829 --> 00:26:05.329
He happened to just walk into work Like hey, we got your dad.

00:26:05.329 --> 00:26:09.111
I'm like, thanks, let me come and get him.

00:26:09.111 --> 00:26:13.891
Wow, he had another one Back to receiving.

00:26:13.891 --> 00:26:15.951
They let him out again.

00:26:17.865 --> 00:26:25.311
Because they're thinking it's just a simple seizure that maybe he can manage, or that he knows what's happening.

00:26:25.311 --> 00:26:27.769
They're not seeing a connection to dementia.

00:26:27.851 --> 00:26:29.996
Let him out, lost him again.

00:26:29.996 --> 00:26:32.971
I'm like I told you not to let him go.

00:26:32.971 --> 00:26:36.307
Like, call me when he's released, I will come pick him up.

00:26:36.307 --> 00:26:36.828
That's right.

00:26:36.828 --> 00:26:38.952
They like we didn't have to do that.

00:26:38.952 --> 00:26:39.894
I'm like what you mean?

00:26:39.894 --> 00:26:41.298
Something going on.

00:26:41.298 --> 00:26:46.808
I told you I lost him before he, you know, check him out.

00:26:46.808 --> 00:26:50.215
They like I have no paperwork, no power attorney, no guardianship, none of that.

00:26:50.215 --> 00:26:51.545
We could let him out.

00:26:51.585 --> 00:27:03.130
I'm like this cannot be legal I'm telling you, you can't let him out I'm like, please, they like we can't we ain't gotta listen, right, all right.

00:27:03.609 --> 00:27:11.060
So my transition process into moving my dad into my home was getting this paperwork together.

00:27:11.060 --> 00:27:14.134
How can I safely get this paperwork together?

00:27:14.134 --> 00:27:17.153
So unfortunately, I had to put my dad in a nursing home.

00:27:17.153 --> 00:27:18.076
There's one.

00:27:18.076 --> 00:27:21.996
My son is 11 now, but he was 10 at the time.

00:27:21.996 --> 00:27:25.009
He just lost his dad.

00:27:25.009 --> 00:27:28.757
I'm his number one provider.

00:27:28.977 --> 00:27:40.547
Yes, I had to figure this out absolutely you gotta take your time I didn't want to put my dad in a nursing home, but I knew I had to have him in a safe environment, why I took care of what I needed to take care of.

00:27:40.547 --> 00:27:47.972
Yes, the nursing home, just like he, just like he was saying was not, or she was saying it's not a good environment for him.

00:27:47.972 --> 00:27:51.212
I went on a Wednesday.

00:27:51.212 --> 00:27:58.247
He had on his Adidas shirt, his different outfit, come back, looked like.

00:27:58.247 --> 00:27:59.731
I just never left him.

00:27:59.731 --> 00:28:04.394
Wow, same clothes, same bed, just laying there.

00:28:04.394 --> 00:28:05.497
I there.

00:28:05.497 --> 00:28:07.782
I said, nah, this ain't it either.

00:28:07.782 --> 00:28:09.509
I gotta get you up out of here.

00:28:09.509 --> 00:28:12.540
I got these paperwork I they helped me get that guardianship.

00:28:12.540 --> 00:28:13.986
They like what you doing.

00:28:13.986 --> 00:28:17.614
I'm like I'm taking him home we're not living in here like.

00:28:17.694 --> 00:28:18.175
I tried it.

00:28:18.175 --> 00:28:21.871
I gave y'all a shot, you failed now what you gonna do.

00:28:21.911 --> 00:28:22.413
I'm gonna figure do.

00:28:22.532 --> 00:28:23.575
I'm gonna figure it out.

00:28:23.575 --> 00:28:24.798
I'm gonna figure it out.

00:28:26.410 --> 00:29:12.913
That's a Having this conversation with you all it seems to be a major commonality is figuring it out, figuring out on the fly what you gonna do, how you gonna do it because someone that you love is in distress and can no longer do for themselves, An independent person who, as far as you knew you know they were living in another city, you know living very independently, doing a lot of stuff on their own, living with other family members, and you're like well, of course, if you all right, you live in with my siblings, but then it wasn't the case at all.

00:29:12.913 --> 00:29:30.303
I want us to think a little bit about how other members of the family or friendship circle maybe doesn't even really consider themselves to be caregivers.

00:29:30.303 --> 00:29:37.202
Right, they may help you a little bit, or they may have done small things for you.

00:29:37.202 --> 00:29:43.480
Maybe they go pick up medicine for you sometimes, or maybe they go to the grocery store for you sometimes.

00:29:44.570 --> 00:29:47.220
We're not talking right now about the people that don't help.

00:29:47.220 --> 00:29:52.394
I got some of those.

00:29:52.394 --> 00:29:53.238
We're not talking about them.

00:29:53.238 --> 00:29:58.557
We're talking about some of the caregivers, some people who assist you along your caregiver journey.

00:29:58.557 --> 00:30:07.698
There may be someone your neighborhood, somebody at your church that just asks you if they can help.

00:30:07.698 --> 00:30:09.501
Has that happened?

00:30:09.501 --> 00:30:11.998
Has that been a part of your journey at all?

00:30:13.130 --> 00:30:21.753
Well, yes and no, yes in the beginning, but you know they say the lasagna stops coming after you know many years of journey.

00:30:21.753 --> 00:30:25.372
You know they do come in the beginning but one by one they stop.

00:30:25.372 --> 00:30:44.285
So my, in my experience, the people you know, most important people in my life and my wife's lives are the caregivers who show up every day, morning and evening, and I'm fortunate to be able to have them come in my house and I call them Sherpas.

00:30:44.285 --> 00:30:47.152
You know, sherpas are Nepali people.

00:30:47.152 --> 00:30:50.057
They help climb people, mountain.

00:30:50.057 --> 00:30:59.699
They carry the load, they plan the route, they put the ladder, they put the ropes and they carry almost their body weights you know, weights in luggage.

00:30:59.699 --> 00:31:02.395
So my caregivers, they are my Sherpas.

00:31:02.395 --> 00:31:07.619
And so those are my everyday show up people.

00:31:07.619 --> 00:31:21.261
There are friends who do help, there are neighbors who do help, but not everybody has their own issues in life and I can't expect that they drop their issues and come and take care of my issues.

00:31:21.261 --> 00:31:24.398
But when the need comes they do show up.

00:31:25.050 --> 00:31:25.432
I understand.

00:31:25.432 --> 00:31:34.277
I understand Agreed Mine will be agencies like DAAA.

00:31:34.317 --> 00:31:50.462
Picked my dad up from the nursing home, I looked online and seen that Triumph Church had a dementia boot camp like just a conversation with caregivers about dementia.

00:31:50.462 --> 00:31:53.757
I was like this looks like something we should check out, dad, that's right.

00:31:53.757 --> 00:32:05.856
And we went in there and I met Miss Laura and I got everything from D triple A that I needed to support my dad and along this journey.

00:32:05.856 --> 00:32:10.490
They call, they email, they check, they give me self-care days.

00:32:10.490 --> 00:32:11.894
They're like hey, we got this going.

00:32:11.894 --> 00:32:14.280
I need you to come on like this as well.

00:32:14.280 --> 00:32:16.394
They like could you speak at this engagement?

00:32:16.394 --> 00:32:21.289
No, because I'm 100 grateful for that agency.

00:32:21.289 --> 00:32:21.931
They.

00:32:21.931 --> 00:32:24.414
Without them, I don't know where I'll be right now.

00:32:25.037 --> 00:32:31.314
Um, my dad also goes to um daybreak so he gets some time.

00:32:31.314 --> 00:32:33.798
That's a dementia daycare center.

00:32:33.798 --> 00:32:39.018
I want to call it adult daycare, but like where you taking my dad to adult daycare?

00:32:39.298 --> 00:32:40.221
I struggle with that too.

00:32:40.221 --> 00:32:43.861
I also struggle with saying that my mom was wearing diapers.

00:32:43.861 --> 00:32:45.236
I don't know how many of you felt like that.

00:32:45.236 --> 00:32:48.240
I was like where is the better word for diapers?

00:32:48.240 --> 00:32:50.598
I just want to call them panties still.

00:32:50.598 --> 00:32:56.222
I was like she is wearing panties with some cotton in the middle Cotton panties.

00:32:57.231 --> 00:32:58.075
Disposable briefs briefs.

00:32:58.095 --> 00:33:00.451
Yeah, that's what I told my mother to get her into it.

00:33:00.451 --> 00:33:04.743
Mama, these are disposable underwear and she was okay with it like that right.

00:33:04.824 --> 00:33:05.731
I was like I can't.

00:33:05.731 --> 00:33:08.960
She would never put on diapers if I told her these were diapers.

00:33:08.960 --> 00:33:13.234
I can't do that to her, yeah right but also my son.

00:33:13.756 --> 00:33:18.542
Um, if I had to put a person on, it is very, very helpful.

00:33:18.542 --> 00:33:26.160
I push him a lot because he's young and I'm like, hey, I need you to understand this is what we're doing, this is what we got going on.

00:33:26.160 --> 00:33:31.544
I need you, hey, could you grab papa's breakfast for me, because I need to go do this.

00:33:31.544 --> 00:33:34.491
Can you make sure that papa took his meds?

00:33:34.491 --> 00:33:35.615
They already set up.

00:33:35.615 --> 00:33:39.782
He's so young and he's getting it, and it's a struggle because he's in sixth grade.

00:33:39.782 --> 00:33:52.888
But I'm like I need you to understand that this is going to be you one day taking care of mom and I want you to be able to have all the tools you need to take care of me and I need to know that you're not going to put me in a nursing home.

00:33:53.529 --> 00:33:56.238
You're like because I already saw that and I don't want that.

00:33:56.238 --> 00:34:02.571
No, absolutely saw that and I don't want that Absolutely.

00:34:02.571 --> 00:34:04.075
So I would consider well to me that your son is also a caregiver.

00:34:04.075 --> 00:34:23.784
I know there's so many people in our community or globally who don't necessarily attach the title caregiver to themselves unless they're the primary caregiver, like yourself, or they're the person who is in charge of the doctor's appointments or ordering the medicine or making the visits at the facility.

00:34:23.784 --> 00:34:28.201
But I believe if anybody is pitching in like what's your son's name?

00:34:28.382 --> 00:34:31.349
Denim, denim, he does, he cares for me.

00:34:31.349 --> 00:34:35.197
I think Denim is doing it too, but I see you all were shaking your heads.

00:34:37.411 --> 00:34:38.155
It's my case?

00:34:38.155 --> 00:34:39.605
No, no one.

00:34:39.605 --> 00:34:41.534
I got you the first two years.

00:34:41.534 --> 00:34:44.876
I didn't know what was going on, so I cried, and I never cried for nothing.

00:34:44.876 --> 00:34:53.920
I just bid my father a couple of days ago and I couldn't even get a cry, got him to cry, but I cried for two years because I didn't understand him.

00:34:53.920 --> 00:35:11.978
Someone pointed me to dementia Dr Paula Durenstein, universal dementia and she pointed me to Detroit area aging, and so those two has been a part of my life through the rest of my journey and that's where my help come from.

00:35:12.309 --> 00:35:17.056
But outside of that, it was a big goose egg.

00:35:17.056 --> 00:35:25.795
Now, listen now listen, if you, if you said you couldn't catch a cry at your daddy's funeral and I hadn't heard catch a cry in a minute, I gotta tell you I'm from Alabama.

00:35:25.795 --> 00:35:26.713
That's a good one.

00:35:26.713 --> 00:35:27.135
Catch a cry.

00:35:27.135 --> 00:35:29.869
You couldn't catch a cry, but then for two years you cried.

00:35:29.869 --> 00:35:33.260
I understand the depth of what you're trying to say.

00:35:34.032 --> 00:35:42.733
That's pretty major Katrina oh right, well, it's been me and, I would say, my husband.

00:35:42.733 --> 00:35:54.847
He's been a big support because he's been there to support me and to help her in certain instances.

00:35:54.847 --> 00:36:01.420
And outside of that, I've just started with DAAA for her.

00:36:01.420 --> 00:36:07.996
So we're trying to get her in a groove of, you know, having other caregivers for her.

00:36:07.996 --> 00:36:13.014
So we're right there, we just started this, but other than that it's just been us two.

00:36:14.518 --> 00:36:17.143
Does your husband consider himself a caregiver?

00:36:17.389 --> 00:36:18.152
Probably not.

00:36:18.693 --> 00:36:19.275
Probably not.

00:36:19.335 --> 00:36:20.418
Yeah, what's his name?

00:36:20.418 --> 00:36:21.019
Mario?

00:36:24.090 --> 00:36:32.065
Mario, you're a caregiver and thank you for joining this band of small but mighty warriors across the world.

00:36:32.065 --> 00:36:37.601
Now, with the Parenting Up community, we lead with levity.

00:36:37.601 --> 00:36:39.271
We believe that humor heals.

00:36:39.271 --> 00:36:46.436
I'm a comedian because I was a caregiver first and that thing was dark and heavy on my soul.

00:36:46.436 --> 00:36:57.927
It had me making some bad decisions, some of which are very unholy, that I'm not going to talk about on here because I don't know if anybody in here is real holy and I don't want y'all to think I'm going to burn in hell.

00:36:59.489 --> 00:37:06.130
But you could probably guess what some of the things I started doing might have been so comedy ended up being a healthier outlet.

00:37:06.130 --> 00:37:18.922
Can you share some of the humorous things your loved ones have done throughout this journey?

00:37:18.922 --> 00:37:25.429
I know my mom has done some really silly things that I can just look at her and laugh Like.

00:37:25.429 --> 00:37:32.853
One of them was that she tricked her caregiver into thinking she had an appointment with a judge.

00:37:32.853 --> 00:37:40.983
Now okay, she's fully retired on three dementia medications.

00:37:40.983 --> 00:37:47.242
I've hired this caregiver to be with my mama at the house so I can go to work.

00:37:48.451 --> 00:37:59.478
My mother convinces this caregiver she has to go meet with a judge called Judge Jackson and she says well, jay didn't give me.

00:37:59.478 --> 00:38:02.764
The caregiver says, well, jay didn't give me an appointment.

00:38:02.764 --> 00:38:05.780
She says, well, she didn't know about the appointment.

00:38:05.780 --> 00:38:09.818
I have to meet with Judge Jackson and if you're not going to take me I'll drive myself.

00:38:09.818 --> 00:38:13.661
She was so indignant and emphatic that the caregiver believed her.

00:38:13.661 --> 00:38:18.702
My mama got dressed, grabbed her purse and said we don't need the address.

00:38:18.702 --> 00:38:20.657
I will show you how to get there.

00:38:20.657 --> 00:38:22.114
The lady believed her.

00:38:22.114 --> 00:38:25.760
They drive in all around Atlanta for two hours.

00:38:25.760 --> 00:38:29.018
The caregiver calls me in tears.

00:38:29.018 --> 00:38:35.539
I'm so sorry we're late, but do you know the address for Judge Jackson?

00:38:35.539 --> 00:38:38.358
I know the address back to my house.

00:38:38.358 --> 00:38:44.503
If you don't get your ass respect in my house with my mama, you're going to jail.

00:38:44.503 --> 00:38:47.500
You have stolen my mama.

00:38:47.500 --> 00:38:57.099
So that's my example of something where once my mama was home and safe, it was really funny because she told that lady the same story for like two hours.

00:38:57.099 --> 00:38:57.920
So the lady believed her.

00:38:58.161 --> 00:38:58.422
Wow.

00:38:58.882 --> 00:38:59.103
Yeah.

00:38:59.750 --> 00:39:00.331
Yeah.

00:39:01.695 --> 00:39:06.769
Well, I don't have a similar story, but you know, uh, not humorous, but like during the covid.

00:39:06.769 --> 00:39:12.682
You know, my wife is incontinent, that means she wears diapers and I need to change her.

00:39:12.682 --> 00:39:22.585
And every time I change I used to say I get free COVID test, smell test, so I didn't have to go for any other tests.

00:39:24.170 --> 00:39:24.853
I like that.

00:39:24.853 --> 00:39:25.914
That does count.

00:39:25.914 --> 00:39:38.780
That is very funny because you're thinking, if I can, if everybody remembers, covid was supposed to take away your sense of smell, so if he could still smell everything his wife eliminated, that was really wise.

00:39:38.780 --> 00:39:40.264
I don't know if I thought like that.

00:39:40.264 --> 00:39:44.740
I think I took way too many tests because I could smell everything my mama let out.

00:39:47.471 --> 00:39:51.559
Or you know, my wife would be walking pacing and she'll touch the floor with her.

00:39:51.559 --> 00:39:55.556
You know, band down and my son would say cherry picking time now.

00:39:55.556 --> 00:39:56.057
That's cute.

00:39:56.057 --> 00:40:01.289
Or she would bang on the wall sue me, bang, bang.

00:40:01.289 --> 00:40:04.240
You know because you know what I realized.

00:40:04.240 --> 00:40:14.699
Whatever phase you going through, you have to appreciate, because when she was banging it's annoying, but now she's not doing that and she's more quiet.

00:40:14.699 --> 00:40:15.885
You wish that you would.

00:40:15.925 --> 00:40:26.275
You know she would bang something and make some noise that's true so, whatever phase we are in, we have to just, you know, fully enjoy that phase, because we will regret, you know, when that phase is gone.

00:40:26.275 --> 00:40:27.818
We will wish for that phase.

00:40:27.818 --> 00:40:39.949
So you know, to catalog my experience and we talk about self-care, so I have found three or four different ways of self-caring.

00:40:39.949 --> 00:40:46.903
So doing journaling was a self-care to me, writing down my emotions, what I was going through.

00:40:46.903 --> 00:40:51.141
It helped me process my process and channel my emotions.

00:40:51.141 --> 00:40:56.173
And when I started writing, my son said why don't you write standalone essays?

00:40:56.173 --> 00:41:03.278
And I did, and ultimately he helped me produce this book which is my Journey with Sumi.

00:41:05.211 --> 00:41:06.795
Thank you, this is for me.

00:41:07.135 --> 00:41:07.356
Yes.

00:41:09.242 --> 00:41:09.663
Wonderful.

00:41:09.663 --> 00:41:11.753
You're going to have to autograph it for me.

00:41:11.793 --> 00:41:12.795
Yes, I will Promise Okay.

00:41:12.855 --> 00:41:16.884
Yes, all right, thank you, thank you.

00:41:16.884 --> 00:41:20.297
Thank you so very much, okay, okay.

00:41:21.400 --> 00:41:21.722
Okay.

00:41:21.722 --> 00:41:26.840
So for me this entire journey is hilarious.

00:41:26.840 --> 00:41:55.949
To me I can't pinpoint one particular story, but for me and my dad I always tell when somebody asks how my dad is doing, I'm like this is a tour that we need to take on the road, because I'm like now I'm an actress, I can't have anger facial expressions, because then he feels like he's a burden and he's worried and he's stressed.

00:41:55.949 --> 00:42:01.038
So I'm like let me get dressed, let me put on my face, let me go in there and be Nisha, that's right, he's stressed.

00:42:01.038 --> 00:42:03.309
So I'm like let me get dressed, let me put on my face, let me go in there and be Nisha, that's right, not Denisha.

00:42:03.309 --> 00:42:11.297
And it's always hilarious Like my dad has an airtight, so that one's funny.

00:42:11.998 --> 00:42:12.920
He thinks it's a watch.

00:42:12.920 --> 00:42:18.074
Ah, but you're like mom, he like my watch.

00:42:18.074 --> 00:42:19.099
Don't tell no time.

00:42:19.099 --> 00:42:26.911
One day it's going't tell no time.

00:42:26.911 --> 00:42:28.416
One day it's gonna tell me like, just put it on every day.

00:42:28.416 --> 00:42:30.141
That he puts it on every day.

00:42:30.141 --> 00:42:31.224
He remembers to put his air tag on every day.

00:42:31.224 --> 00:42:31.846
But again, he's a man, yeah.

00:42:31.846 --> 00:42:33.811
So he was like I just want to go take a walk.

00:42:33.811 --> 00:42:36.434
I said, okay, go ahead, take a walk, because my dad has the air tag.

00:42:36.434 --> 00:42:38.538
He has an iphone so I could track him.

00:42:38.538 --> 00:42:40.701
I call him.

00:42:40.701 --> 00:42:42.784
He won't answer the phone.

00:42:42.784 --> 00:42:46.208
I'm like I'm trying to find you answer the phone.

00:42:46.228 --> 00:42:47.130
Man answer the phone.

00:42:47.130 --> 00:42:52.210
He talking to my brother hey, it's nisha on the other line, but I ain't gonna answer the phone.

00:42:52.210 --> 00:42:53.554
But I don't even know where I'm going.

00:42:53.554 --> 00:42:59.811
I'm like answer the phone, find where you at my brother telling me like yeah, he over such and such.

00:42:59.811 --> 00:43:00.105
I'm like just tell him to answer the phone.

00:43:00.105 --> 00:43:01.059
Where you at my brother telling me like yeah, he over.

00:43:01.079 --> 00:43:13.773
Said, just tell him to answer the phone he like he gonna answer that phone cause he don't want you to know he lost he know he's like if I answer, she gonna ask me where I am and where I'm going and I don't have an answer.

00:43:14.476 --> 00:43:19.293
At least he's clear enough to know I'm about to get in trouble and who don't want?

00:43:19.293 --> 00:43:19.835
Nobody want to get know.

00:43:19.835 --> 00:43:21.744
I'm about to get in trouble, yeah, and who don't want to get in trouble?

00:43:21.744 --> 00:43:23.554
Nobody want to get in trouble.

00:43:23.554 --> 00:43:25.851
Listen.

00:43:25.851 --> 00:43:27.778
Thank you all so much for this.

00:43:27.778 --> 00:43:29.355
I know I've enjoyed it.

00:43:29.355 --> 00:43:30.554
Have you all had a good time?

00:43:30.614 --> 00:43:31.498
Yes, yes.

00:43:32.431 --> 00:43:42.519
I have always enjoyed my time in Detroit, but hearing from the four of you a little bit, I know we ain't even scratched the top of the surface.

00:43:42.519 --> 00:43:45.760
I know about this caregiving journey, but thank you so much for sharing.

00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:52.637
Allowing other people to know a part of who you are and something about your loved ones is invaluable.

00:43:52.637 --> 00:44:04.036
So thank you so very much, and we can't wait to see what happens when the world gets this episode and we let you know how they respond.

00:44:04.597 --> 00:44:05.800
thank, you thank you.

00:44:05.840 --> 00:44:06.681
So listen y'all.

00:44:06.681 --> 00:44:09.213
This is a wrap for episode one.

00:44:09.213 --> 00:44:14.525
Y'all gonna see about episode two real soon.

00:44:14.525 --> 00:44:15.286
Hey, what's up?

00:44:15.286 --> 00:44:16.570
Parents and up family?

00:44:16.570 --> 00:44:17.512
Guess what?

00:44:17.512 --> 00:44:20.440
Have you ever wanted to connect with other caregivers?

00:44:20.440 --> 00:44:23.619
You wanna see more behind the scenes footage?

00:44:23.619 --> 00:44:26.057
Wanna know what me and Zeddy are doing?

00:44:26.057 --> 00:44:28.791
I know you do All things.

00:44:28.791 --> 00:44:35.235
Jsmiles are finally ready for you, even when I go live.

00:44:35.235 --> 00:44:40.079
Uh-huh, do it now with us on Patreon.

00:44:40.079 --> 00:44:44.119
Join us in the Patreon community.

00:44:44.119 --> 00:44:46.719
Catch everything we're doing.

00:44:46.719 --> 00:44:49.755
Visit patreoncom forward.

00:44:49.755 --> 00:45:06.391
Slash JSmilesStudios with an S parents and their family.

00:45:06.411 --> 00:45:07.978
We're gonna do this episode support a shout out a little bit differently.

00:45:07.978 --> 00:45:08.059
Why?

00:45:08.059 --> 00:45:10.148
Well, first of all, it's my podcast and I can do whatever I want to, but for real.

00:45:10.148 --> 00:45:20.445
For real, it's because we are on tour in detroit and you know when you're in the D, you got to mix it up, cook a little differently.

00:45:20.445 --> 00:45:27.704
So rather than you throwing us the supporter shout out, I'm going to pop one back your way.

00:45:27.704 --> 00:45:35.501
I have my girl, yolanda, hello, and she has been caregiving so much she can teach me a thing or two.

00:45:35.501 --> 00:45:47.157
Now, y'all know, I feel like I know a lot about caregiving, but my girl Yolanda, she's been caring for people since the Ruta and the Tuta first met, so tell us about it.

00:45:47.670 --> 00:45:52.943
So first it started, my son was one pound nine and a half ounces, 99 days early.

00:45:52.943 --> 00:45:54.615
He had cerebral palsy.

00:45:54.615 --> 00:45:57.931
He was in hospital 77 days, came home before his due date.

00:45:57.931 --> 00:46:02.815
So he's in a wheelchair, has cerebral palsy, has an imaginary girlfriend.

00:46:02.815 --> 00:46:03.817
You know it's a whole big thing.

00:46:03.817 --> 00:46:05.677
Then my mother had dementia.

00:46:05.677 --> 00:46:07.458
She lived with me for 12 years.

00:46:07.458 --> 00:46:14.483
My dad had three strokes, was in a wheelchair, so I was taking care of all of them collectively for 12 years.

00:46:14.483 --> 00:46:15.804
And then my son is still with me.

00:46:16.925 --> 00:46:19.427
You had all three of them, mm-hmm.

00:46:19.427 --> 00:46:23.757
Okay, I can't even get it out Simultaneously.

00:46:23.757 --> 00:46:24.599
This has been good.

00:46:24.599 --> 00:46:26.130
This has been good Y'all.

00:46:26.130 --> 00:46:27.155
This is how we do it.

00:46:27.155 --> 00:46:28.735
This is how we do it on Parenting Up.

00:46:28.735 --> 00:46:30.597
You know, this is how we do it in Detroit.

00:46:30.597 --> 00:46:35.905
So best way to end this is with what up though the Snuggle Up.

00:46:35.905 --> 00:46:43.969
What up, dog, the Snuggle Up.

00:46:43.969 --> 00:46:46.534
Today, this episode, you only get one.

00:46:46.934 --> 00:46:57.733
It was plain and clear to me, very obvious all of these caregivers the most central theme.

00:46:57.733 --> 00:47:01.523
They at first did not realize they were already caregiving.

00:47:01.523 --> 00:47:11.833
They were checking on their family members, calling brothers and sisters checking on hey, is mama okay?

00:47:11.833 --> 00:47:13.195
Is daddy okay?

00:47:13.195 --> 00:47:25.065
But they didn't consider themselves to be a caregiver until that person was 100 percent legally their responsibility.

00:47:25.065 --> 00:47:29.971
I find that very intriguing.

00:47:29.971 --> 00:47:39.025
So all that other time when you were just checking on your LO and making sure they had what they needed, you weren't really being a caregiver.

00:47:39.025 --> 00:47:47.813
You see, to me that's a part of us building our brand as a caregiver.

00:47:47.813 --> 00:47:53.563
More people in the world need to just go ahead and say, yep, I'm a caregiver right now.

00:47:53.563 --> 00:48:01.360
Like Mario Katrina's husband, he is already a caregiver in the support he's providing his wife and his mother-in-law.

00:48:01.360 --> 00:48:03.876
So that's it Real simple.

00:48:03.876 --> 00:48:07.635
They were caregivers way before.

00:48:07.635 --> 00:48:14.356
They got them legal papers that said they were Thank you for tuning in.

00:48:14.610 --> 00:48:16.251
I mean really, really, really.

00:48:16.251 --> 00:48:26.945
Thank you so very much for tuning in, whether you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on your favorite podcast audio platform.

00:48:26.945 --> 00:48:31.199
Either way, wherever you are, subscribe, come back.

00:48:31.199 --> 00:48:32.543
That's the way you go.

00:48:32.543 --> 00:48:34.295
Know when we do something next.

00:48:34.295 --> 00:48:35.798
Y'all know how it is.

00:48:35.798 --> 00:48:36.661
I'm Jay Smiles.

00:48:36.661 --> 00:48:39.378
I might just drop some hot in the middle of the night.