Jan. 26, 2026
Who Cares? Answers to 5 Frequently Asked Questions by Family Caregivers
The honest part of caregiving isn’t just the long nights and endless appointments—it’s realizing you’ve become the project manager for a situation nobody trained you for. Family Caregivers take that and turn it into a plan, starting with the meds that don’t help or flat-out make things worse. In this episode, you’ll learn how to loop back to the exact prescriber with clear reports, and why your pharmacist may be your most valuable teammate for catching dangerous drug interactions.
We also clear up a major confusion between Dementia and Alzheimer’s. Then we hit the wallet questions with straight talk. Can you get paid as a Family Caregiver?
Family drama? Trade wishful thinking for structure. We talk about real solutions for issues with family and village members who may not agree or want to contribute to care. And for the fear you carry—what if I get this too—we offer a path forward.
If this conversation helps, subscribe and share it with someone in your care village. Leave a quick review to help other caregivers find this resource, and tell us: what’s the one question that keeps popping up on your journey?
"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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TEXT 'PODCAST" to +1 404 737 1449 - to give J topic ideas, feedback, say hi!
Be sure to leave us a review!
00:00 - Welcome Back And Setup
03:27 - Listener Shoutout And Fears About Inheritance Risk
06:36 - When Meds Don’t Work: Doctor Or Pharmacist
11:24 - Dementia Vs Alzheimer’s Explained
15:45 - Can Family Caregivers Get Paid
20:47 - Family Conflict And Real Assignments
WEBVTT
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I'm doing all the work, J Smiles.
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I see this again in the Alzheimer's committees and conferences that I go to where there's one or two people carrying the weight for the whole family.
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And they're pissed and they're tired.
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And then there's tangential people who come in with a lot of opinions and a lot of fluff.
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But they're not doing the heavy lifting.
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They ain't giving no money and they ain't wiping no ass.
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Sometimes the medicine doesn't help at all, and other times it actually is making things worse.
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Either way, you go right to the source.
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The other thing you can do, get ready for this.
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What's up, parenting up family?
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I've missed you.
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And I don't know how else to explain it but to say I've missed you, but don't worry about it.
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I'm gonna figure out a way for me to be in connection with you, in physical community with you, a little bit more really soon.
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Listen, last episode we taught questions, frequently asked questions of y'all or of me.
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So y'all hit me with, hey, my family member, my church member wants to know this, Jay Smiles.
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And then I had some pressing questions that always mattered to me.
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And you know what?
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The episode was very, very well received.
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So much so, y'all wanted the answer to some both questions.
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So here we go.
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Snuggle up, get ready, pull out your pen and your paper, or record this, all right, on your little audio notes.
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Because we're about to dig into some more questions from the greater Alzheimer's and dementia community and you by parenting up homies.
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Parenting up caregiving adventures with comedian Jay Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama.
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For over a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing all kinds of awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat.
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Caregiver knows OGs and village members just willing to prop up with caregiver.
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You are in the right place.
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Today's supporters shout out comes from YouTube.
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Shanta Carter Lacey144.
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Jay, I find myself pondering the same question.
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That's in reference to the last episode when I talked about my concern of will I get Alzheimer's.
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She asked herself the same question, y'all.
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Watching daddy go through makes me think about my kids having to take care of me if I'm diagnosed as I age.
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That's heavy.
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That's heavy.
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Thank you, Shonta Carter, Lacey144.
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Hopefully, today's episode will let that land just a little bit softer in your spirit.
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Now, for the rest of you, if you want to be the recipient of a supporter shout-out, you know what to do.
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Tag us with a comment.
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YouTube, Instagram.
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We're waiting to hear from you.
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Today's episode, Who Cares?
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Answers to five frequently asked questions by family caregivers.
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Okay, family.
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I cannot tell you how many times.
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I mean, actually, it hurts my feelings.
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How many times I've heard the question, yo, what am I supposed to do about these medicines, Chase Miles?
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I see it on blogs, I see it on ALZ.org, I hear it from doctors and social workers.
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What am I supposed to do when these damn medicines don't work?
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They got mama, daddy, auntie, grandmama on two, three, four more extra new medications, and you can't tell is it beneficial?
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That's a big deal.
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Because you can't ask the career if they have dementia.
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So what should you do?
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What the hell do you do when the medicine doesn't appear to be working?
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First thing, I'm not a doctor.
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Remember, I'm a comedian who is going through this shit just like you.
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I'm going to tell you though, what I would do and what experts have told me is a good way to lean into it.
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First thing, go and talk to the doctor, whoever prescribed it.
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Now that's a big deal.
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If a neurologist or a cardiac specialist, a cardiologist prescribes some medicine, don't just go to the primary care physician saying, hey, all this new medicine seems to be making mama hallucinate.
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Because the primary care didn't prescribe that.
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You know what I mean?
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That's like asking LeBron James to pitch in Major League Baseball.
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Okay, he's very athletic.
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Maybe he could get the damn ball over there.
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But just because he is a superstar athlete doesn't mean he can play all the sports.
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You feel what I'm saying?
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Very first thing, go to the doctor who prescribed that medicine and very clearly tell them the changes that you've witnessed.
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Or that you didn't witness.
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You were like, hey, shit, I I gave my mama this medicine because you said she would sleep better.
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This helped ain't been asleep, so she started taking the medicine.
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So sometimes the medicine doesn't help at all, and other times it actually is making things worse.
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Either way, go right to the source.
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The other thing you can do to get ready for this, it's gonna blow your damn mind.
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So many people don't think about it.
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Talk to the pharmacist.
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And I'm leaning in on this and I'm gritting my face for those of you who are listening on audio.
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Ask the pharmacist, hey, my mama is taking all these measures right here.
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Have them printed on a sheet of paper.
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Don't make them have to go look it up in the damn system.
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Do you think these things could be making her sleep more or walk crooked down the steps?
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The pharmacist, believe it or not, they have more timely and pertinent information and insight than the doctors because they got to know about all the medicines and the interactions, right?
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What is the difference between Alzheimer's and dementia?
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Is dementia Alzheimer's?
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Is Alzheimer's dementia?
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Are they kissing cousins?
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Do they know each other even?
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Why the hell do we have these two names?
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That is a very confusing thing, especially for the care village.
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Sometimes the caregiver, the main caregiver, figures it out kind of soon talking to the doctors.
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But then all the people around are like, what the hell?
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What's the difference?
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And it does matter that you're able to speak the language of what the hell your loved one is going through, or your career, because maybe you don't even love the person you're caring for, but that's another episode, okay?
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Dementia is not a disease.
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Dementia is a category that was created so that every doctor would know: oh, this person is suffering from something that is attacking their neurological system.
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Every dementia is creating havoc on the central nervous system.
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The neurological system is spazzing out.
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So that is just the name of the chapter, and then if within the chapter, there's these subchapters.
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Oh no, you know what?
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I think it better.
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Like if the name of the book was dementia, all the chapters would be Alzheimer's, frontal temporal, um, Parkinson's, Down syndrome, things like that.
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So Alzheimer's is actually a disease, a very specific disease that does very uh particular things to the brain.
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Dementia is not a disease.
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You cannot get a pill for dementia.
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Okay?
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I mean, why you bullshitting, you really ain't got many options for Alzheimer's either.
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But Alzheimer's is a the disease that is treated.
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Okay.
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I know y'all go over to hear this.
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Ooh, Lord.
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Can I get paid for being the caregiver?
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Like, how come I gotta pay?
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If I'm home or going to the facility to take care of this person, how come I can't get paid?
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That sounds fair, right?
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Well, anyway, like my grandfather told me, ja, the war ain't fair.
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Ain't nothing fair in the war.
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And so far he's right.
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I hadn't found fairness one fing place.
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So, what do you do?
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Is it even possible?
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I'm a straight shooter.
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I tell y'all here at the Parents Autcast, we we gonna say the hard shit, and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
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For the most part, no.
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For the most part, if you are a family member or a person who is um related or in relation to the to the career, you can't get paid.
00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:32.000
It's almost kind of like saying, you know what?
00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:38.000
If I if I go and sleep with somebody like LeBron James, is he gonna be a super athlete?
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I mean, maybe, but probably not.
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LeBron James has kids, and none of them are about to be the athlete that he was.
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Michael Jordan has kids, they don't even play basketball.
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You feel what I'm saying?
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This is the law.
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If your career, the person who's receiving the care, is on Medicaid.
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Okay?
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Meaning they are below the poverty level, you might be able to get five cents or so an hour.
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Now, I'm exaggerating about it being five cents, but I'm I'm really telling you, you can't, it can't replace an income, and you can't make as much as you pay out of pocket.
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You know that 20, 20, 20, 22, 25,$30 an hour you're paying?
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Oh, baby, you're not gonna get that.
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Ain't nobody about to give you that.
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Health insurance, long-term health care, the family, the federal family uh leave, medical leave act, none of that is about to pay you.
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Just trust me on that.
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You can talk to a lawyer if you'd like to.
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You can go to uh some of your local resources and ask them about it, but pound for pound, 9.9 times out of 10, you're gonna get paid zero goose egg.
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And if you're lucky enough that Medicaid applies, your feelings will be hurt when they tell you what they're willing to pay you for your sweat and tears and time.
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It's crazy.
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The system sucks, which is why we out here advocating, well, that's what it is.
00:12:27.679 --> 00:12:33.039
What happens when the family doesn't agree on what they should do?
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Y'all, how come uh everybody in the family won't get along and go ahead and take care of daddy?
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You know what I mean?
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The number of times a question comes across around, I'm doing all the work, Jay Smiles.
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I see this again in the um Alzheimer's uh committees and conferences that I go to, where there's one or two people carrying the weight for the whole family, and they're pissed and they're tired, and then they're tangential people who come in with a lot of opinions and a lot of fluff, but they're not doing the heavy lifting.
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They ain't giving no money and they ain't wiping no asses.
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What the hell are you supposed to do?
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Okay.
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This is from the heart.
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First thing is recognize that a spade is a spade.
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A fool is a fool, a tulip is a tulip.
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I'm not calling your family members fools.
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I'm saying whatever it is is what it is.
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If your brother has never shown up for your daddy, why would you think he would do it now?
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Oh, because it's the right thing to do?
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It's not fair that you're having to do it all, baby.
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Get over that.
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You're in denial.
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The faster you can go to, oh, okay, I got five brothers and sisters.
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Two of us are in it.
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Make your plan with those two.
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Fuck the other three.
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Now, I mean, don't tell them that to their face.
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But don't even try to get there by end.
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Don't worry and waste your time on that because that's energy you don't really have.
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Okay?
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Now I was giving you the backside.
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Now I'm gonna come back to the front.
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The first time you see that ain't nobody getting along, you really should call a family meeting.
00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:34.879
A bunch of experts suggest this.
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It's not just Jay Smiles.
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A real family meeting where people are either physically in the same room or at least virtually there.
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And outline everything that's needed for daddy and get people to sign up for what you're gonna do.
00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:51.279
Are you paying the bills?
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Are you picking up the groceries?
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Are you taking them to the doctor?
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Don't say, you know, I'll check in with you next week and see what you need.
00:14:58.799 --> 00:14:59.120
What?
00:14:59.360 --> 00:14:59.600
No.
00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:01.440
Everybody's getting an assignment.
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And if you don't get an assignment, you don't have a vote.
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What's that?
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Period.
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There are uh lots of organizations, but the one I have utilized and have a great working relationship with is Aging Life Care Association.
00:15:20.960 --> 00:15:36.960
That association is a professional association, it's nationwide in the United States, and everybody in it has decided to dedicate their life to helping the families of the elderly as they age.
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So it's lawyers and nurses and doctors and social workers, all types of people are in that organization and they're in every state.
00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:48.720
So ask them.
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They might even mediate and or negotiate with you and like take you through take me through there, take you through a family meeting.
00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:00.799
Yeah.
00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:18.720
How many of you are scared shitless that you may get the form of dementia, the dementia-related disease that the person you're caring for has, especially if you're related to them.
00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:22.080
You know, a sibling, granddaddy, mama.
00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:30.639
Like, I know I'm scared all the time about getting Alzheimer's because Zettie has it and her father had it.
00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:41.519
And it can add a level of stress and like an undergirding of anxiety that's just there, like all day, every day.
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When you sleep, when you're in the shower, driving, riding, flying, it's a mess.
00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:54.639
Here's the question that gets posed to us most.
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What should my kids do if I get it?
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Right?
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So a person like, okay, I don't have kids.
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But if the if the primary caregiver is in the sandwich generation, and they have some teenagers or some kids in their 20s, and then they're caring for a 70, 80-year-old parent with dementia, I see you and I hear you.
00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:31.839
You're worried, damn, what I'm doing for my daddy right now, are my children gonna have to do this for me.
00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:37.920
And if I get the disease, what would I like them to do?
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How can I prepare them for it?
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Because nobody wants to talk about it.
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To kids, they barely are okay with this happening to granddaddy.
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They damn so don't want to think their mama might also get it.
00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:50.799
So, what should you do?
00:17:53.839 --> 00:17:57.920
All the experts say, and I agree with this, sometimes I don't agree with the experts.
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I ain't gonna lie about that.
00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:01.359
This time I completely agree.
00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:08.720
You need to sit with yourself and write down how you would like to be cared for.
00:18:08.960 --> 00:18:19.359
Don't just tell your child why they pour in a bowl of cereal, like, hey, if I get Alzheimer's, um make sure that your spouse don't lock me in the attic.
00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:19.920
You know what I mean?
00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:21.920
Like, don't hit them with something like that.
00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:34.000
But write down, based upon what you're experiencing as a caregiver for your daddy, what you like and what you don't like about how you feel.
00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:42.640
Because you might not want your children to feel or experience distress and responsibility the way you did.
00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:45.119
Like no, no better, do better.
00:18:45.359 --> 00:18:51.039
Maybe you're the first wave of a full-time caregiver in your family.
00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:52.880
You had to start from scratch.
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You didn't know what the hell you were doing.
00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:57.680
Well, don't make it that hard on your children.
00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:00.799
Write down this is what I would like.
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This is what I don't want.
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This is who I would like to be in charge.
00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:07.920
Curtis is better with cooking.
00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:10.000
Pam is better with the bills.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:13.119
Please put Pam over the bills and Curtis over my food.
00:19:13.200 --> 00:19:21.599
You can write all that down to alleviate a little bit of the dissension in the family should you get the disease.
00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:26.559
Before you tell them, just write it down.
00:19:26.799 --> 00:19:32.960
Or dictate it into one of these, any of these apps that let you talk.
00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:34.160
You pick.
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:40.160
The other part about that, yo, fucking take care of yourself.
00:19:40.799 --> 00:19:41.119
Okay?
00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:43.039
Get your numbers.
00:19:43.200 --> 00:19:44.480
What are you eating?
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